New Year’s Resolutions

I’ve got a handful of resolutions this year. For the most part, they’re things I’ve already been trying to do, but I just wanted to make them “official” and put them out into the world to hold myself accountable.

For example, I want to actually use the gym membership I bought myself. I have a good track record of using gym memberships, but after moving, I just signed up again at the gym near my house, and it seems like a good idea to “officially” commit.

Kyle and I have also re-committed to spending more efficiently. This means, more focus on needs and less focus on wants. This will enable us to meet our goals of doing work on the house and saving up for things like maternity leave. —> not currently pregnant

I have two less standard resolutions, that are also going to be very difficult for me to keep because they seem to be deeply engrained insecurities that I’d like to shake.

  1. Care less about what other people think of me. I think I come off as pretty confident and comfortable with myself, but I often find myself leaving social situations kicking myself for the way I talk and behave. I try so hard to focus more on others, and I try even harder to have a filter, but my natural behavior leads me to talk over people, say too much, say inappropriate things, and always strive to be the center of attention. I have always wanted to learn how to let silences be, and not fill them up with words unless I actually have something important to say. But after nearly 27 years, maybe that isn’t going to happen. Maybe I am just a ham, and maybe that is OK. And maybe I should stop worrying that other people find me annoying. If this is my default setting, then I suppose it is good enough. If I feel good, then let people think what they think. Worrying about what they think isn’t going to change what they think.
  2. Let go of control. I don’t think it goes as far as OCD, but I certainly do like to have things a certain way (turn out the lights in rooms you’re not in!), do things a certain way (put down the toilet seat and then flush the toilet), and I need to have confirmation that things are done (hold on one sec, i just need to check on something). If things deviate, I get extremely anxious and can’t stop thinking about them until all is put right. Sometimes the simple fact that I don’t know if something is right/done is enough to get me worked up. This turns me into a nag (Kyle, you’re not going to forget to do this, are you? Promise?), causes me to lose sleep (is the cat’s litter box clean? This obviously can’t wait until morning), and causes me to plan my meals 4 months in advance, as well as scheduling gym visits in my calendar. I adopted a mantra during wedding planning/house buying that goes, “Ain’t nobody gonna die today”. That is my way of reminding myself that it is OK to let go of control of certain things if, truly, no one is going to be hurt by it. It has helped me manage my anxiety to a certain point, and I’d like to reduce my anxiety/need for control more this year! Because seriously, the cat box can wait until tomorrow, and the light being on in the kitchen for a couple hours isn’t going to make the house explode!