My life has been full of positive moments, joy, excitement, baby preparations and parties recently. I have every reason to feel happy all the time. And a lot of the time I do. Most of the time I’ve got a deep-in-my-soul happiness that consumes every part of me. Most of the time I live in a happiness bubble that cannot be popped.

But there has been something else recently. Something very powerful. Sometimes lately… I’ve been grumpy. Very grumpy. And I don’t like to be grumpy, which makes me grumpier. Thanks for that, pregnancy hormones.

What an unpleasant place my mind can be! Glad no one can climb in there and hear what is going on. Except for when I write exactly what I’m thinking… here on this blog…

Well today, I am going to let my mind dump itself a little bit, in the hope that I will feel a little better when I’m done. I am going to take this post to a very vulnerable place, which is a little tough for me to do, because I really like to be as positive as possible, and look at tough things with a filter of humor whenever I can. And I really don’t like to make people worry about me or feel bad for me. And I really really don’t like to seem like I’m fishing for compliments.

But here we go… In addition to being generally grumpy, I’ve continued to feel worse and worse about the way I look. I’m pretty sure this is “typical pregnancy stuff” as you get bigger. Body image issues are something most (all?) women deal with no matter if they’re pregnant or not. But you guys… I’ve gotten really, really fat. Despite my efforts to get that back under control (and a brief period of success), I continue to gain weight at a faster-than-recommended pace.

I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself, “it’s all baby! You’re pregnant! You’re supposed to get bigger! It’s fine”. But you can’t see me. You don’t know! (Gosh, see?! I’m so grumpy!)

Listen, I’ve gained more than the recommended overall poundage for an entire pregnancy, and I’ve got over 7 weeks to go. So you can say whatever you want, but my stretch marks and the scale are all I need to counter your point. So there really isn’t anything to argue about here. (Seriously! So grumpy!)

Anyway… I’m 100% sure I’m not the first or the last pregnant lady to gain too much. And I do understand that I can lose the weight after the baby comes. And I know I won’t look like this forever. But as a person who has been generally fit, with visible cheekbones, for her entire life… wow. This is a surprising place to find myself.

I weigh more than my 6ft 4in tall brothers.

Here is the especially vulnerable part: I feel ashamed. And I feel like people must be talking about how much weight I’ve gained, which shouldn’t bother me… but it does. I’ve stopped believing people when they say, “you look great!”. And losing my confidence makes me feel embarrassed. Because I’m supposed to feel good about my body and what it is doing. But I just feel gross.

I am trying to be positive and not beat myself up over this. And I am trying to cast the grumpiness aside with a good dose of humor. And a lot of the time I succeed! But sometimes I look at myself in the mirror, and a small hole gets punched in my happiness bubble. I’m very much looking forward to having a healthy baby and finding my self-control and confidence again! In the meantime, I’m going to try to patch holes in my (mostly intact) happiness bubble as much as I can.

Bonus: my husband still claims to think I’m beautiful. And that is pretty comforting.