Still pregnant. Feeling less and less convinced that baby is coming this week. He seems pretty comfy in there.

Kyle predicts the 6th, 7th, or 8th.

My revised prediction is that eventually I’ll give birth. It feels like a safe bet.

I am now officially working from home full-time. As long as I want to. As soon as that feels like too much, I can switch to part-time. And if that still feels like too much, I can stop working entirely. I just got home 30 minutes ago and I already feel better.

My boss said he wants me to work as much and as long as possible, but he trusts me to know where my limits go. So it is all up to me.

The best part is that I no longer have my work phone, so when I’m off, I’m actually off.

Actually no. The real best part is that I didn’t have to fight for this adjustment. I told my boss what was going on, and he asked me what I needed and let me have it. And when I thanked him for being so flexible, he just said, “thank you for working so hard”. I don’t know how to be more grateful. There are so many ways I am lucky.

Today has been a day of thinking. Here is why:

After I had calmed down at the hospital yesterday, and my heart rate had settled to a much more reasonable 66 bpm, I turned to Kyle and said, “you know, the only thing I’m still worried about is working”.

And my heart rate immediately (and I mean immediately) jumped to 90 bpm.

Kyle was very concerned. Clearly I wasn’t joking when I said I was worried about working. So we told the doctor about it (we were alone in the room when it happened). And she gently, but clearly, suggested that maybe it was time to stop working. 

I was so exhausted by the whole experience yesterday, that Kyle and I decided that was a conversation we could save until today. Plus I needed to look at the financial side before we could even have a real conversation. And the money was honestly the biggest concern.

But money aside, this is just a strange place to find myself. I have always been so capable, pregnant or not. It is extremely difficult to wrap my mind around the fact that I am not capable of the same things I am normally capable of. Even when I don’t feel well, I can always take care of business. Always. I’m not used to feeling weak. And the idea of sitting around home just waiting for a baby to arrive and feeling ill while Kyle is out there working is really hard for me. I don’t feel like the weaker sex, and I don’t feel like the weaker partner in my marriage (I like to think we’re pretty darn equal). So I don’t know how to be this person.

But considering the fact that I feel no better today (3rd day now), it would seem that this new place is a place I need to get used to being for the moment. So my sweet, supportive, kind husband and I have come up with a plan.

I’m going to drive to work tomorrow for a half day so I can meet with my boss, talk to him about what is going on with me, turn in my work phone, and then head back home. I will then attempt to work from home full-time as long as possible. Each day will be a brand new decision and I’ll just report to my boss each morning to let him know if I’m going for one more day or not. If he isn’t comfortable with that, then tomorrow will be my last day.

I have our finances figured out (I think) for tomorrow being my last day. And if I make it longer, then that’s just a bonus. And worst case scenario, I could always start working after the baby earlier than planned. Or I could work a slightly heavier part-time schedule when I start back up – like 5 hrs per day instead of 4.

Moral of the story: We’ve prioritized my health. Which is obviously the right choice. It should have been an easy choice, but it wasn’t. Thanks to creative math, the finances can be worked out. Thanks to my husband, I don’t feel like a useless, weak lump for considering throwing in the towel. Thank goodness for him.

I haven’t been feeling well. Dizzy. Woozy. Under-oxygenated. Off.

It started yesterday morning, and even after discussing it at the doctor yesterday, I felt anxious about what it meant today when I continued to feel ill.

So I called this evening. The doc said I could come in and get checked for reassurance, but she thought I was probably fine. At first that was all I needed to calm down – if the doctor thinks it’s fine, it must be fine. But after an hour and a half of still feeling dizzy, I decided I needed the reassurance. So off we went to labor and delivery.

I got what I needed.

I knew baby was ok because I could feel him moving around just fine, but they confirmed he was great (even called his monitoring strip worthy of being published in a textbook!). So that was nice to know.

What I really needed was to know that I, the vessel carrying my obviously healthy baby, was also doing ok. Because I didn’t feel like I was. But hey… turns out that woozy is the new normal, and all my vitals were good too. Blood pressure and heart rate were high when I first got there, but they simmered down as I calmed down. Imagine that. 🙂

I still feel dizzy, but I feel so much calmer knowing it doesn’t mean anything. In addition to peace-of-mind, we got to see my contractions on the monitor, which was supremely cool. And Kyle hadn’t heard the heartbeat since my 8 week appointment, so that was a bonus too! Plus now we know the check in protocol and where everything is at the hospital. And we have practice packing the hospital bag, which we brought with us just in case.

All in all, I feel silly for freaking out, but totally glad we went and totally grateful to my sweet husband, the sweet nurse, and my sweet doctor for all making me feel better. There wasn’t one single moment that any of them made me feel like I hadn’t done the right thing by coming in. Talk about feeling supported!

Still pregnant today. The cat was wrong.

And you know what? So was the human. Namely, me. And I should be prepared to be wrong more.

Why? Because I have a gut feeling that this baby is coming within a week. But there is no reason for me to have that feeling. Plenty of people dilate to 1 cm and then camp out there for weeks. I could very easily be “plenty of people”.

So for the record:
1. I predict baby’s arrival by 39 weeks
2. I am comfortable with being wrong.

That’s right! Still pregnant today too.

But it is Thursday. And my doctor is on call on Thursdays. So this would be a great day to have a baby.

I asked the cat today if she thought this was the day she was going to become a big sister. Then she spilled some of her water. I think that is a clear, “Yes”. Because, you know… spilled water, water breaking… I mean, she was clearly communicating with me.

If the cat is wrong (I know. Unlikely), then I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning. I will be very interested to see what measurable progress my doctor has to report. I feel like there must have been some changes, but what do I know?! I’ve never done this before, so I doubt myself all the time. The doctor has all the answers.

I feel like the only thing I can say now is that I’m still pregnant today too. I have no other thoughts in my brain lately, other than being “still pregnant”.

When I call people, I start off with, “I’m still pregnant”, and then I can move on to the actual topic of the phone call.

Kyle has forbidden me from texting him in all capital letters, even if I’m really excited about something. Because… I guess it makes him think I’m in labor. But I’m pretty sure that’s not something I would text my husband about. So I don’t know why he thinks that.

Everything I talk about that is scheduled for more than an hour in the future at work is prefaced with “if I’m still here”.

My mother checks on me several times a day to see how I’m doing. (which, by the way, I love. Because then I know she wants to know, and I’m not pestering her with too much information)

Everyone I know is constantly concerned about how I’m doing. And warning me to cross the street carefully (seriously.). And making sure I’m hydrated. And panicking about whether or not I’m hungry. It’s sweet. But weird.

So anyway… that’s today’s update. I’m still pregnant.

37.5 weeks now. And I really really feel like I’m in the “any minute now” category. I keep having more and more signs of progression, and then trick myself into thinking I’m having real contractions.

They say you’re supposed to be watching for frequent and regular contractions to know you’re in labor, which for me is a little confusing. Because I’ve been having contractions for months. And they’re frequent. And somewhat regular. So it isn’t hard for me to time them and say to myself, “this could be it!” all day every day.

Especially now that my contractions are a little more “uncomfortable” than they used to be. And I know the baby has dropped, I know I’ve started dilating, I know I’m 50% effaced, I know my cervix has softened, and I know I’ve lost my mucous plug (TMI. Sorry. But it’s part of the evidence!). That’s a lot of signs. All that’s missing is my water breaking or real contractions.

Side note: I hope my water doesn’t break. The doctor said that with the discovery that I am a carrier of group B strep, it is important that we proceed to the hospital immediately if my water breaks. Because as soon as it does, the baby is exposed to the strep bacteria. Not good. So I really want to be already at the hospital, already on antibiotics, when my water breaks. The thought of not being at the hospital when it happens freaks me out a little.

But this thing with real contractions… how am I supposed to know? I guess my only indicator will be the pain? But I’ve read about those freakish women who aren’t really bothered by their contractions. What if I’m a freakish woman!?

That probably isn’t the case. I’m probably a wimp. I’ll probably notice “real” contractions. I’m being paranoid.

But in the meantime, paranoia aside, I’m constantly thinking, “This is it!” and then quite obviously not giving birth. One of these days I’ll be right, though. One of these days.

The non-stop swing back and forth from 100% conviction that I’m in labor to 100% thinking I’m being ridiculous is the most uncomfortable part of my pregnancy right now. Physically, I’m still fine. Bring on the huffing and puffing, the frequent peeing, the difficulty sleeping, trouble getting up from a chair… All of it is OK by me! Baby Boy can stay camped out in there longer if he wants to. I just don’t want to miss it when he decides he doesn’t want to anymore! It is the mental game is tough on this mama. 

Kyle and I keep thinking “NOW we’re ready for the baby. NOW we’ve done it all.” But there is always one more thing!

Today it was grocery shopping. We bought extra of everything and stock-piled it all in the freezer. Tons of easy meals and snacks and sandwich fixings.

And wine. Because soon I can have wine. Let’s just hope that Kyle doesn’t drink it all before the baby comes. 🙂

As I write the first words of this post, it is 5:07am on a Sunday. I am in bed, still tired, but have been awake for an hour.

Why am I awake?

Well I woke myself up by saying “ouch” out loud in response to a dream about Kyle rubbing my shin too hard in a play fight and chafing my sensitive skin.

Then I realized I had to pee. So I did that.

Then I started thinking about refinancing our house. Because that’s a logical thing to consider for the first time at 4:30 in the morning.

Once I decided that the only way to stop thinking about that was to write down all the questions I had about it, I thought I’d be ready to go back to sleep.

But no. Now I’m laying here starving. I could eat an elephant. And I think I need to pee again too.

Wish me luck. I’m going to get back to dreamland. Just as soon as my nose stops running….

I’ve been having a hard time deciding if Baby Boy dropped or not. I’m so eager for there to be signs that labor is coming, that I have been worried that I’m making up signs just because I’m excited.

People say you’ll “just know” when the baby drops, because you’ll be able to breathe easier and eat a full meal again. But I don’t “just know”. It is more complicated than that for me… with my long torso, I’ve never felt like my stomach and lungs were all that crowded. I’ve been breathing and eating easily this whole time. (I know… don’t worry. I know I’m lucky!)

And I still don’t feel like there is a bowling ball between my legs. Or that the baby is “about to fall out”. But maybe I won’t feel that? My pregnancy hasn’t really been all that extreme all along. I have sort of had mild versions of everything that can happen to you. Maybe this is another case of me having a milder version of a normal pregnancy symptom…

Something definitely does feel different as of yesterday, though. And it hasn’t gone away today. The heaviness and pulling/pressure in my lower belly is still there. It’s a little bit painful. And I walk like a cowboy.

The icing on the cake, though, that makes me think that I’m potentially not imagining the changes is: A girl at work that I hadn’t seen in a few days caught sight of me and immediately (and unprovoked!) said “Omg you’ve dropped!”

That HAS to mean something. I didn’t ask her. She just had that thought all on her own. So maybe I can stop second guessing myself?

If he really has dropped (Okay, I’m still second guessing myself!), then the “rules” say that I am about 2 weeks away from Baby’s arrival. Kyle’s birthday is 2 weeks from today! Wouldn’t that be magical??

I *think* that Baby Boy is migrating a little further south in my belly. He has been happily resting his head on my right hip for quite a while now, which I determined based on where I felt his hiccups.

But today my tummy is feeling heavier, and I’m feeling a bit of pressure in the lower part of it. I don’t have that feeling of a “bowling ball between my legs that is about to fall out” that so many women describe after their baby has dropped. So I don’t think he has made it too far down yet. But it is fun to feel the changes.

If he dropped now, I’d be excited, as opposed to several weeks ago when the thought terrified me. I am much happier now that we’re clearly on-track for a normal delivery timeline!

So keep on settling down there, Baby Boy. Get yourself all ready for this, and I’ll do the same. Between the two of us preparing, this is going to go great!

UPDATE: I am officially “that pregnant lady”. The one who makes noises when she walks. And the waddling has gotten way worse – I’m very slow, and I sway side to side, almost falling over with each step. I better not go anywhere with Kyle anytime soon, because he’ll leave me in the dust.

Things I’m thinking of right now:

1. Sleeping on my stomach
2. Sushi
3. Gin and tonic
4. Wine
5. Not having to map out my day based on bathroom access
6. Not having contractions all day every day.
7. Pants with buttons
8. Exercising
9. Not craving cakes, cookies and candy all the time

Yesterday I thought for a bit that I was going into labor. I was having back pain combined with contractions, and I hear that is a telltale sign.

No baby still, so I wasn’t in labor. I guess it was just my regular braxton hicks contractions and leftover back pain from cleaning the house on Sunday. But I think I scared the girls at work because I had to stand up and hunch over a few times to make the back pain more bearable.

The cool thing is, I wasn’t scared. Maybe that’s because deep down I knew it wasn’t real labor. Or maybe I actually feel prepared for this baby to come now. Now that we’re almost 37 weeks, any problems Baby has probably wouldn’t be related to him coming early. And with the hospital bag packed, the car seat ready to go, and the nursery all set up, my life feels baby-ready too.

Baby is ready, and we’re baby-ready. That’s a good combo! So I’m feeling calm. I wanted my last month of pregnancy to be calm for both me and Kyle. And all of the hustling and bustling around in the earlier months has allowed that to happen.

There are certainly more things we could do. But anything additional we accomplish between now and Baby’s world premiere is just a bonus. So there isn’t any stress to get anything else done. Knowing us, we probably will check a few more things off just because. But there is no guilt (for either of us) if we end up sitting around relaxing instead of swinging a hammer.

But somehow every spare moment I have at home (when I’m not too tired/in pain to do anything) I’m fussing and tidying up. Today, for example, I felt compelled to wash the blankets in the living room, dust, wipe down the tables, and wash the table runners. I’m not sure if my “nesting instinct” has kicked in, or if I’m just bored because I’m used to having a list of “musts” that I need to rush through, and I’ve watched everything on my DVR. I might just be inventing things to do to amuse myself, not actually nesting.

P.S. Real clothes are the worst. My work agreed to let me work from home an additional day per week up until the baby comes. Being at home is soooooo much better, because the bathroom is a few steps away (I pee so often) and I don’t have to wear real pants. Real pants do not feel nice on my big ole belly.

I woke up this morning with some pretty intense pain in the joint of my left middle finger. So naturally, I consulted Dr. Google.

He told me I have carpal tunnel. But I’m confused. Carpal tunnel is numbness and tingling..? And starts in your wrist? I have none of that. Just one finger in pain.

So Kyle and I decided that Dr. Google is full of it today and I actually broke my finger while sleeping. Seems way more logical.

With all the other stuff we’ve been focused on, cleaning our house kind of fell off the to-do list for quite awhile. Today we couldn’t put it off any longer.

We’re now on the other side of that task, and I have decided that I am OK with not having to clean while pregnant ever again. I sweated through my clothes and ended up with severe back pain and nonstop contractions. All from just a couple hours of cleaning.

Thank goodness Kyle was working away too. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without him!

But man oh man does our house feel way better. That scrub down was long overdue.

Daycare called today…. and (DRUMROLL PLEASE!) we have all our days!

Monday-Thursday full-day care starting in August. And they know I’d like to start mid-July if possible, so they’ll keep me posted.

Huzzah! What great news!

Side note: our little homeowner problem is feeling more manageable today. I had an epiphany about the obvious fact that we don’t have to buy everything at the same time. (duhhhhhh) It is way easier to spend a few hundred bucks at a time than to dish out $1000 all at once. I should have gotten to that conclusion waaaaay sooner. And now I feel so silly!

Hey guys! Guess what! We’re still homeowners! Not just parents-to-be!

I forgot about that part of our lives. Shame on me!

How was I reminded? We need a lawn mower. And a shed to keep the lawn mower in so it doesn’t die a sad death out in the elements like the used one we inherited. And apparently we also need a couple saws to finish various pending house projects. I thought we had every saw ever invented. But I am wrong.

Lawn mowers, sheds and saws? I somehow forgot about those types of things when budgeting for our new lives with the baby. Weird, right? 

It turns out life doesn’t stop just because a baby comes. We’re still going to have to spend money on other things (don’t even get me started on Kyle’s car!!!). And with all the financial steps forward that we’ve made, there were bound to be some steps back too. I just liked to pretend that that wasn’t the case.

What really counts is that the steps back aren’t as big as the steps forward. No matter what happens with this predicament, we’re still better off financially now than we have been in years past. 

We should be proud. And I should be celebrating. I just have to remember that we’re “adulting” very successfully, and I should try not to let all of this throw me off the rails too much. But with all of these silly, amplified-by-pregnancy emotions, I am teetering on the edge with this latest revelation in home-ownership.

At least Kyle is unruffled by pretty much everything. He just shrugs his shoulders and takes it in stride. I need to figure out how to do that. I think he’s onto something there.

Pregnancy is progressing. Hooray and hoorah!

That means my hormones are still pulsing and causing havoc. Literally everything I feel is magnified – both good and bad! This has been rather entertaining for me lately.

You’d think I’d be enjoying the magnified good feelings, at least. But no! Because the good feelings are so intense that they just make me sob. So it looks and feels like I’m having a bad feeling. (Last night I watched The Bachelor. And when he proposed, I relived Kyle’s proposal to me and cried for 45 minutes. Do you understand how much I love Kyle? Good grief!)

The bad feelings are obviously worse. But thank goodness they’re also much more infrequent. The flare ups are usually due to reminders of upcoming hospital/daycare bills and how angry I am at the various involved systems, or the pile of dishes in my kitchen, or the pain in my back, or my abundant stretch marks, or the fact that I have to do anything at all. Because I’m tired.

Then there are the confused feelings – the ones that are neither bad nor good (or both bad and good?). Like the constant thinking about when the baby is going to come – I’m terrified but excited. Prepared but so in the dark. Confident that “I’ve got this” but totally convinced that I’m going to die from the pain.

Magnified confusion is definitely the worst. I mean… feeling two exact opposite things at once is always frustrating (and also very, very funny, if you think about it objectively), but imagine feeling those two exact opposite feelings more intensely than you’ve ever felt anything before in your life. Like…feeling them with TOTAL conviction. Now that is confusion, my friends!

My little brother is in town for today only. So we went out to what turned out to be a very special family dinner.

We ate at Cafe Castagna and dined family style, with the chef sending out an array of dishes so we could spend our time eating together instead of reading the menu.

The food was truly delicious. And we had quite the dining experience.

But the best part was seeing my older brother’s face when he put his hand on my pregnant belly and felt the baby move for the first time. He had never felt any baby move inside a belly before, and he was absolutely taken by the experience of feeling his nephew.

And bonus…. both he, Kyle, and my little brother all saw my belly move too. None of them had ever seen a belly move. And all of them were freaked out and delighted. They spent the rest of the night staring at my stomach trying to catch it as many times as possible.

THAT is when I like baby kicks – when I can share them. They’re so much more fun when they’re a spectacle and they can bring other people joy. When it’s just me, they become so ordinary. So mundane. So… annoying? But tonight they delighted 3 of my favorite men. And that was pretty cool.

Hallelujah! I just got an email from the daycare where we’re on the waiting list, and spots have finally opened up for close to the time we want to start!

My request is officially submitted, and if I’m as high up on the list as I think I am, I should have no problem securing our desired days for our little baby. Hoorah!

We should know for sure next week. Cross your fingers for us!

Last night sucked. Today did not suck.

Today we reached my happy place – The place where if the baby decided to show up tomorrow, we’d be ready. He is perfectly welcome to stay inside a while longer, but now I’m more at peace with the not knowing. Because no matter what, we’re set.

Sure, there are a few things left on the to-do list. But the list is getting very short. Last weekend was epic, and this weekend was just as fantastic. I feel like so many boxes were checked off.

• The stroller is assembled
• Car seat bases are installed in our cars
• All baby gear is put away. Even the new little pants and sweaters I bought on clearance at Target yesterday (funny… we’ve got onesies and shirts coming out our ears. But we didn’t have many pants or sweaters!)
• The chair is here
• The rug is down
• The packaging from all the deliveries has been broken down and is either in the bins, or nicely piled in the basement for when there is room in the bins.
• The hospital bag is packed
• All the bottles and pacifiers are washed
• The baby’s toys have all been cleaned
• My breast pump and all its parts have been cleaned
• Baby bath stuff has been organized and put in a bin
• Nearly all thank you notes have been written (only 5 left I think?)
• The cat tree has been built so the cat will be tempted to hang in the basement more frequently (and she is already using her cat door to get down there! woohoo!!!!!)

On top of all of that, I got all of my laundry, Kyle’s laundry and the towels washed. I also made breakfast, lunch, and dinner today. And we’ve both got lunches packed for tomorrow as well.

People keep telling us that we don’t need to have everything “ready” before the baby comes, because it will be “fine”. But we both think that being ready (i.e. not having to scramble when we’re trying to figure out how to be parents) is way better than just being “fine”. So let’s all forget about last night and rejoice in the infinite progress that was made this weekend. Kyle and I both feel awesome.

Side note: Peanut butter and potato chip sandwiches are the new best thing ever. I may have come up with the crazy idea, but it’s not just for pregnant ladies. Kyle approves too. For extra pizzazz… make them jalapeno potato chips.