Awesome day

Today has been awesome.

I started out with a nice shower and then packed up and headed to my lactation appointment. I have officially been put on “breast rest” for my left breast for 4 days. And before I start breastfeeding again, I have to have another appointment. So I’m heading back on Monday to see how I’ve healed.

Luckily, my right breast produces enough milk for a full meal all by itself, so I can feed Lewis that way in the meantime and then pump and store the milk from the left breast. I feel a lot better having a plan.

At the end of the appointment, the lactation specialist wanted to check Lewis’ poops, so we opened up his diaper. There was no poo to speak of, but the lady was alarmed at Lewis’ penis. The plastic ring from his circumcision was hanging on by a thread. Kyle freaked out about it yesterday (I even called the after hours pediatrician line to get some reassurance for Kyle), and then the lactation lady was surprised by it… so I ended up calling the pediatrician to see if they could squeeze me in while I was in the building for my appointment. Enough people had reacted to it that I figured… might as well.

They said they could find some time for me, and although the doctor was completely unalarmed by the situation, she quickly snipped the tiny piece of skin and now he is officially all “healed”. 🙂 Circumcision complete. Green light for normal baths! No more sponge baths!

Then we headed straight to my sister-in-law’s house for an adventure. She came with us to the grocery store and taught me how to use my baby carrier. I know that sounds small… but it felt like a huge milestone for me!

Then we went out for lunch… SUSHI. We walked to the restaurant in the sunshine with the stroller, and Lewis was well behaved so we could enjoy a delicious, peaceful lunch. My first lunch out with the baby! And we didn’t die!

Once we got home, I spent some time in the kitchen making snacks for Kyle’s office. It is his turn to do “healthy Friday” tomorrow. Which, of course, means that I had work to do. 🙂 I made a delicious cucumber salad and a caprese pasta salad. I also picked up some sourdough bread and some raspberries. Lewis just hung out in his rocker in the kitchen while I worked.

And now laundry is in process, to top it all off.

The day has absolutely flown by, and I feel so accomplished. Problems solved, milestones reached, chores done. What a day!

My name is Lewis and I am resisting sleep for the first time since I was born. As a matter of fact, I have been resisting sleep all day long! I’m super alert and the only thing that can shut me up is something to suck on. But if I eat too much, mommy is afraid I’ll start vomiting again. So that means no more boobs… I get the pacifier! Hooray!

Mommy is disappointed that the pacifier doesn’t put me to sleep. But she’s creative, so she thought she’d try some sweet new jammies (see picture!) to get me in the mood. She also tried swaddling, and then went with unswaddled when that didn’t work. She walked laps around the house with me, tried rocking, shushing, holding me every way she could think of, passed me off to daddy… but all I want to do is suck on something and stare at the ceiling.

I’ve been doing this since lunch time today. I literally never get tired of it. Aren’t I funny?! I love learning new tricks!


Today I had my 3 week post partum appointment with my doctor. I checked out fine – still healing up, but looking good.

My doctor’s main concern was with my nipples. I have been suffering with damaged nipples from day one. At first it was from Lewis’ tongue tie, and since the procedure, my right nipple has healed entirely. But no two nipples, even on the same person, are exactly alike. And my left nipple seems to still be incompatible with my son’s mouth.

It has about 3 gaping holes in it.

I got some prescription healing ointment from the lactation specialist, but how can we expect healing to happen when the holes are literally being eaten open more and more with every feeding. Every 3 hours, all healing is completely undone by my suckling baby.

So anyway… I’ve been in a lot of pain. But I’ve been pushing through, because apparently breastfeeding my son is just that important to me. I really don’t want to deprive him and myself of all the benefits that go along with breastfeeding.

But my doctor pointed out today that I was sacrificing my own physical and mental well being unnecessarily. There are other ways to successfully feed a child that don’t involve wincing.

Not to mention that all of the bonding you’re supposed to experience with your child is instead being replaced with dread because of my brain’s natural reaction to the pain – You develop negative associations with the cause of the pain, which in this case is MY KID.

That really hit home for me. I can’t proceed with something that could lead to negative feelings about my sweet baby!

So I’m heading back to the lactation specialist tomorrow for a last ditch effort to save breastfeeding. I am seeing a different person tomorrow, so I’m hopeful they’ll have some new insights.

And in the meantime, my breast pump and I are going to get to know each other a little better. Good thing Lewis is so good with the bottle.

If breastfeeding doesn’t work out, I’ll have to find a way to make peace with another method – whether it be pumping and feeding breast milk, or formula. I foresee the mourning process being very tough for me. My doctor was worried it was because I was scared of the judgy portland moms…. but it isn’t.

The judgy mom I’m scared of is ME.

I’d never judge another mother for her decisions on how to feed her baby. But I had such high expectations for myself. And I’m not used to not performing the way I planned. So I think I’d be pretty hard on myself.

Anyway… I’m working through this both physically and emotionally. Luckily I understand logically that no matter what, Lewis is going to be fed, and he’ll be healthy. But sometimes logic can’t quiet emotions.

Today I got super brave and put Lewis in his crib for a nap while I got my groove on in the kitchen. The baby monitor works, and I’m going to eat my way back to my pre-pregnancy body! I feel like I kicked today’s butt!

Birth Story

I’d like to rewind to April 6th at 11:30 pm. That’s when it all started.

Kyle came to bed and woke me up. I didn’t mind because, you may remember, I had declared myself officially on maternity leave earlier that day, and I had no plans the next day. It was time to just enjoy the anticipation of the baby’s arrival. 

Before going to sleep, Kyle decided to give the baby a pep talk – he leaned in close to my belly and I think he said something along the lines of “Alright baby, you can come out whenever you want. We’re really eager to meet you. Anytime now works fine.” And then we went to sleep.

An hour and a half later, at 12:57 am, I woke up again. Something had happened “down there”. Pregnancy is full of things happening “down there”, and I thought to myself, “oh, it’s nothing. Just some discharge.” But then I realized that regular discharge doesn’t normally wake you up… So perhaps I should go to the bathroom and check what was going on. But I was very skeptical.

Turns out Kyle’s pep talk had worked, and Baby was ready to make his debut. As soon as I stood up, the gushing began. The waterfall just wouldn’t stop. I made it to the bathroom, and started screaming for Kyle. He is a very deep sleeper, so it took quite a while for him to hear me. Once he did wake up, I had to confirm several times that my water had indeed broken before he was awake and convinced. Then he jumped into action.

I got myself as cleaned up as I could while instructing Kyle where the last minute items for the hospital bag were. Once we were packed and about to leave, Kyle realized he was feeling very ill. I was just excited, so when he asked if he could take a minute, I didn’t feel panicked and let him run off to the bathroom to collect himself.

Then we were on the road, towel under my bum.

I called my mom and his mom, since they were supposed to join us at the hospital. Then I sent out an email to work and text messages to family and friends. Go time!

We were at the hospital by 1:30 am. Because it was so late, we had to go in through the emergency department entrance. I thought we could just waltz in and walk to the elevators up to maternity, but we were stopped and informed that they would wheel us up. Pretty cool. As soon as we were inside hospital walls, Kyle was visibly improved. We had made it!

My contractions hadn’t started at this point, so I was in good spirits. We were triaged, and they confirmed that my water had broken (duh), and transferred us to a labor room. My mother had asked me to call when we were admitted and she’d head over. So I called her… and she said she was already in the elevator up. I guess she was a little excited and couldn’t wait!

After arriving in the labor room, we decided it would be a good time to rest. Kyle fell asleep immediately. My contractions started – no sleep for me.

Mom and I ended up heading to the jacuzzi tub as the pain increased. I enjoyed being in the tub, and it helped with the pain. But at one point I needed to use the restroom, and getting out of the tub with the contractions was so hard that I couldn’t imagine getting back in only to have to get out again later. So I gave up and we ventured back to the labor room.

As the contractions increased and a couple hours passed, I was sure that we were making good progress. But there was no checking my cervix at first, because my water had broken and I was group B strep positive – they didn’t want to risk infection in the baby by checking too often. But I knew I’d been at 1 cm for weeks, so I figured I was moving forward from there.

I was. But not very quickly. Eventually, they did check me, and I was only at 2 cm. After hours of contractions. At that point, I was in so much pain that I was feeling nauseous. I was sure I was going to throw up. I was in misery. If I had been at 5 cm, maybe I would have been able to continue without pain medication, because the progress was so promising. But only reaching 2 cm after so much pain, and what felt like forever, was completely discouraging. I immediately knew that I wanted an epidural after all.

Kyle was still sleeping, but with my cries of agony at realizing that I wasn’t going to be tough enough to go without the epidural, he woke up. He held my hand and told me how much he supported me in my decision, and we waited for the anesthesiologist to show up.

She did, and it turned out that my mom knew her from when she used to do labor and delivery here in Portland. That was pretty cool. They caught up, and I got drugged up. The relief was earth shaking. I knew without a doubt that I had made the right decision, and calm was restored. Kyle went back to sleep, and I was encouraged to do the same.

I think Kyle’s mother appeared at some time shortly thereafter. No sleep happened for me, partly due to the number of people in the room, but mostly because I had visions of babies dancing on my eyelids whenever I closed my eyes.

Hours and hours passed with little excitement. We watched HGTV, chatted, I got checked out now and again, the nurse and my mom flipped me over like a pancake every hour, since I had no feeling in/control of my legs with the epidural.

At some point the nurse/doctor decided I had “dysfunctional” and “insufficient” contractions. I was offended (har har), but it turns out that that just means that my contractions were supposedly too irregular and too weak to change my cervix. They still weren’t frequently checking my cervix, so they seemed to be basing that mostly off of the monitoring strip, from what I could tell.

Anyway… whatever data they used, I ended up with Pitocin to make my contractions more regular and stronger, and an internal monitor to more accurately measure the strength of my contractions. Along with the epidural, both of those things were interventions I hadn’t really wanted going into the birth process, but actually being in labor (especially for a long time) does something to open your mind up to methods that might move things along quicker.

Even with the Pitocin, my contractions didn’t seem to become more regular or stronger. But when they did check my cervix, progress was being made. I was dilating quite nicely! I felt like saying “ha! that’ll teach you to call me dysfunctional and insufficient!”. As a matter of fact, I might have even actually said that. Spirits were generally high, since the pain level was generally low. So I might have made some jokes. I loved my epidural.

But despite the good progress, they upped my Pitocin. Apparently they took it too far. My epidural wasn’t working great on my left side, so when they upped the Pitocin, I started to feel a lot of pain again. They decided to flip me to my left side to let gravity bring the epidural medicine to that side. But as soon as they did, the baby’s heart rate dropped, and I can’t describe to you what I felt. It was something like pain, combined with total panic. I had no idea what was happening with the baby’s heart rate until after everything had stabilized – all I knew was that something was wrong and I did NOT want to be flipped to my left side.

That whole experience led to a lowered dose of Pitocin, and a booster for my epidural. The booster was rather unpleasant – It took away the pain, but I also couldn’t feel or move my legs at all. Without the booster, my legs had just felt heavy and tingly, but with the booster I might as well not even have had legs. For the next few hours, mom and Kyle took turns rubbing my right foot to remind me that it was still there. It really helped me to feel calm and connected to the process.

My contractions were still “sad”. Or so they thought. I got a new internal monitor after suspicions that the first one wasn’t working right. Sure enough, the new one showed that I was having some pretty kickass contractions after all.

My sense of time was gone. Everything in this birth story could be 100% out of order. But eventually, I reached 10 cm. I want to say it was around 7pm, because there was a shift change before I started pushing. The new nurse came in (our third! We were there for so long!), and we got down to business. Kyle’s mom left (at my request), and my mom and Kyle each took a leg. They lowered my epidural, and I was ready.

Pushing was, at first, pretty pleasant. That was surprising to me. I was excited to finally be getting to the end after laboring for so long, so pushing felt amazing. But I was very tired.

Pushing was hard, and with the epidural I really had to think about what I was doing, as opposed to feeling compelled naturally to do it. But with some coaching from the nurse and my mom, I eventually figured out how to push properly. And they could see the baby’s head!

Fast forward an hour and a half – they could still see the baby’s head. That’s it. He hadn’t moved an inch. And now I was really tired. And completely discouraged. Pushing didn’t feel amazing anymore. It felt pointless. I felt like I was bad at it because nothing was changing.

The nurse (or was it the doctor? He kept coming in randomly. And there was an ultrasound at some stage) had mentioned at some point that some intervention might be necessary to get the baby out. They had determined that baby was “posterior”, which means that he was facing up towards the sky instead of down towards the floor. That is not good news for vaginal childbirth, and the reason Lewis wasn’t coming out.

But they let me try to push him out as long as I wanted to, because Lewis was doing great on the monitor – no signs of distress at all. And because I had written in our “birth notes” that I was terrified of vacuum deliveries, c-sections, and episiotomies/tears. And those were exactly the types of interventions we’d be facing if I couldn’t get him out myself.

Then I had an epiphany: I couldn’t do it by myself. He wasn’t coming out. I was exhausted after 20 hours of labor on no sleep. It was over – I had no more gas in the tank.

I was so disappointed in myself. But I managed to say it out loud – I needed help. And as soon as I said that, the doctor was summoned, and he talked me through the two options I had. I had to choose between vacuum and c-section. We talked about the risks of both, and made our decision. Vacuum time. Kyle and I quickly made peace with our new reality.

A million people came into the room. I was told that this was “just in case”. There were people there “just in case” for me, and “just in case” for baby. It was a zoo.

I got another booster so I wouldn’t feel the episiotomy (sigh) that automatically comes with a vacuum delivery. The millions of people in the room stared at my lady bits while the doctor pinched me at regular intervals to see if I was numb yet. I remember it taking about 20 minutes to fully take effect. That’s a long time to have a strange man sitting a foot away from your lady bits pinching you while a million people stare. But whatever. There was one male nurse who at least tried to look away… so polite.

Eventually, the vacuum was placed on Lewis’ head, and I was told to push. Two or three pushes later, out he came. The millions of people left, because he came out screaming and pooping just like he was supposed to. They put him on my chest and started wiping him down. I don’t remember much, but I know I cried, and I think I kept screaming at Kyle, “I can’t believe we made him!” on repeat. I’m pretty sure mom and Kyle cried too. I definitely remember both Kyle and mom declining to cut the cord.

I was pretty consumed with having my baby on my chest, but I have vague memories of the nurse pushing down on my belly (so unpleasant. Can’t remember why she did that), and the doctor staying down south for about an hour stitching things up.

I was informed that I had a 3rd degree tear, and some internal tearing from the vacuum as well. That was pretty upsetting to find out about. And it has been a pain to deal with for my recovery. But it turns out it isn’t the end of the world, and you just get through it since there isn’t anything you can do to change it…

Unexpectedly, Kyle had stayed the whole time. He had even watched as Lewis came out. I was so surprised, and so impressed, that he had been able to get outside himself enough to stay. I loved having him there, and I don’t think he’ll ever regret being there for every moment. But the aftermath was a little much for him, so he did step out for a bit afterwards while they cleaned up the war zone.

At some point his mom came in and met the baby, and his measurements were taken. They had me breastfeed too. Everything at this part of the story is so hazy. Then both Kyle’s and my mom left us and we were on our own, just our little family.

We were transferred to a recovery room eventually, where I had to have a catheter inserted because I couldn’t urinate after having had the epidural. I also had a special cushion to sit on because of all the damage. And our sweet nurse even had to help me change my underwear. Like I said, recovery hasn’t been a lot of fun for me. I have never felt so helpless or tired.

We spent the whole next day in the recovery room, with visitors galore. Between family and friends and various hospital staff, it was all a little much. I was hooked up to my catheter bag, so Kyle was on diaper duty the entire time. But we made it through the day (and I got to have eggs with runny yolks!), and headed home the following morning. I was terrified to go home, mostly because I wasn’t sure how I’d care for myself, but Kyle was decidedly happier the moment we left the hospital. And, of course, we have since settled into our new life at ho me.

In the end, we had every intervention I knew of to get Lewis out, with the exception of a c-section. It felt like we had had the exact opposite birth experience of what we wanted, and we could have so easily been disappointed. But you know what? I am still so happy with how things went. 

I think we were able to have a positive experience despite the deviations from the “plan” because the hospital staff had taken our “birth notes” (a summary of our feelings/fears/desires for the birth process) seriously. They ensured that our “birth notes” had been passed along at each shift change. And because they did that, each nurse and doctor was prepared to help us through each unwanted intervention as they came up. They were able to approach each decision gently and patiently, with tons of information, and made us very comfortable making the unwanted decisions.

Also, choosing the interventions happened in intervals – we didn’t have to choose them all at once. When you think about things beforehand, you think about it all at once, and imagining everything going opposite of how you envision it is very overwhelming. But you don’t do it all at once in real life, which made it so much easier to swallow – we got to digest the information just one problem at a time, not everything in bulk. 

It felt like we really got to think things through and take our time coming to terms with each decision, so by the time we came to the next crossroads, we were already completely at peace with the previous decision. I don’t even think we realized how many things had gone “wrong” until afterwards, because we were made so comfortable with each step we took.

I just wish we could write Yelp reviews for the care providers we had. They deserve all the praise in the world. Without their patience, expertise, and kindness, it would have been so easy to have the exact same series of events, but end up with a much less positive experience.

But still… here’s to hoping it is a little less dramatic with the next kid!

Good morning from Lewis! 20 days old, fat, and adorable. Since it is monday and daddy is back at work, Lewis gets to wear his “Mommy’s little monster” jammies. We’re going to hang out in bed as long as we want to!

Thank goodness for moms

Lewis is feeling better. I don’t think he is 100%, but he is at least more alert, and his poops are starting to look more normal. The best part is that he isn’t puking anymore.

That was scary and not fun at all. The on call pediatrician said it sounded like a stomach bug. We should just be grateful there was no fever.

But as lucky as we were, I was a complete mess, and very freaked out that my baby was sick. I needed my mommy. And you know what? She came. 🙂

Mom and her husband spent hours at our house yesterday. Kyle is sick with a cold, so he quarantined himself downstairs, and I got in a shower while my amazing mother cleaned our whole house and her husband weeded our front yard. Later, my mom gave Lewis a bath too, since he’s puked on himself so many times.

The best thing they did for us, though, was to calm me down and talk me through Lewis being sick. It helped that he started feeling better while they were there, but I don’t think I would have felt calmer without their help, even though Lewis was visibly improved.

Even though I’m a mom myself now, I’ll never stop needing my own mom. I guess it’s true that being a mom is a lifetime commitment! The job description changes with time, but your kids will always need you. I just hope I can be there for Lewis like my mom is always there for me. I feel like I wouldn’t have survived yesterday without her.

Lewis hasn’t been feeling well for days. His poor tummy has been a mess! He is finally showing some signs of feeling better, but being a newborn and being sick sure is exhausting!

Nervous new mom

I have never spent so much time on the phone with doctors or at doctors appointments in my whole life as I have in the last 18 days.

I’m a nervous new mom. I’ll admit it. I overreact to the things my healing body is doing, to the breastfeeding situation (which is still quite painful), and especially to the things my sweet son is doing.

Latest concern is due to Lewis’ poop. Ever since his vomit incident, his poops have been different. I’ll spare you the details, but I’ve been really worried.

Up until this evening, consulting with my mom has calmed me enough. But she went to the symphony tonight, so when I had a spike in my worry-level, I had to call the pediatrician instead. The advice nurse said that nothing sounded acute, but that my particular concerns fell on a list of symptoms that I should talk to the doctor about. So we’re good for tonight, but I need to consult the doctor during their call hours tomorrow.

Marching orders received. Concerns that my baby is about to die put to rest. Hopefully we’ll sleep tonight.

1 AM UPDATE: We’re up after our first good, long sleep for the night. Which feels miraculous after we had an epic vomit session just before we decided to turn in. After that happened I was sure I’d be awake all night worrying!

But yes… Geyser vomiting is back, people. And so are crocodile tears (mine. Lewis shed not a one). But honestly, Lewis was asking to be fed every hour last night. It shouldn’t be a surprise that he over ate and exploded. So much for “feeding on demand” – This kid clearly can’t be trusted to demand only what he needs.

Encountering some renewed pain with breastfeeding, so we tried a freshly pumped bottle to give my body a rest. Super dad and super baby made a great team and the bottle went down easy! Hopefully I can heal and start with a fresh canvas in a day or two. 🙂

Now that I have a son, I really shouldn’t be watching shows and movies about husbands dying.

It’s too easy to imagine losing Kyle, and I don’t want to imagine that. I love him now that he is the father of my son more than I’ve ever loved him before. It is so profound what having Lewis has done to my feelings for my husband.

So it’s time to turn off this tv!

World, meet Lewis’ belly button! It made its premiere during a diaper change this afternoon. He has the cutest belly button ever!

P.s. did I mention that he is officially 9 lbs? He weighed in at just over 9 after his puke sesh at the doc’s office this morning. Milestones right and left today!

Projectile Vomiting

Today started of with a bang. Or actually, calling it an explosion would be more accurate. Baby Lewis decided that he’d have an epic vomit session and totally freak out his mama.

He ate from squirt-gun-boob first thing this morning, and then we laid down in bed together to hang out and doze a little longer. It was so peaceful and relaxing… until it wasn’t anymore.

It started with a little spit up. No big deal. And then in the blink of an eye it turned into a geyser coming out of my child. Straight up into the air. Full on vomit. Probably a foot high.

I rolled him onto his side so he wouldn’t inhale it. And he kept going! I was about a foot away from him – well within the splash zone – and I was drenched.

He was sputtering. It was coming out his nose. It felt like it lasted forever.

When it was finally over, I just laid there stunned, covered in vomit. It was so much that it was hard to understand that that had all been inside of him. It seemed like the volume of vomit was bigger than the space he occupies.

I eventually gathered myself enough to grab a change of clothes for him, a new diaper, some wipes, etc. and settled down on a clean spot on the bed to clean him up.

He geyser-vomited again.

At that point, I was properly freaked out. So naturally, I called my mother. She advised me to call Lewis’ doctor. I don’t know why that hadn’t occurred to me. I guess I just thought, “Babies puke. Time to do laundry.” and told myself not to panic. But as soon as my mom said to call the doctor, I felt silly for not thinking of that myself.

The pediatrician wanted to see him right away. So I zipped around the house packing the diaper bag, strapping the baby in the car seat, putting on clothes, wiping myself down, and trying not to cry. Kyle offered to leave work and come meet me, and despite my emotional side wanting to accept his offer, I decided I could handle it myself.

Lewis checked out fine at the doctor. They checked to make sure he hadn’t inhaled any vomit, that he didn’t have an obstruction in his belly stopping the milk from going the way it was supposed to, checked his temp, and checked his responsiveness. He passed all tests with flying colors and we decided that he had just tried to eat way, WAY too much from squirt-gun-boob in one go. Like… probably 3 times as much as his little belly can hold. So I’m supposed to cut him off earlier if he is going too strong on squirt-gun-boob. And if he keeps vomiting, develops a fever, or starts to become spacey or distant, I’m supposed to call the doctor again. But so far he’s had two more meals and is currently sleeping peacefully, without even a burp to speak of.

So now I’m knee deep in vomit covered laundry, am still a vomit covered human, and am feeling generally relieved that my son is okay.

Man oh man… squirt-gun-boob is really trying to drown poor Lewis. It almost succeeded today. I’m going to have to lay down the law!

Today’s highlights

  • Lewis had tummy time today. He is super strong and is able to lift his head up!
  • My boob attempted to drown Lewis. And when he detached, choking and sputtering, my boob proceeded to spray him in the face like a squirt gun. He recovered and eventually reattached, only to have the same thing happen again. I am convinced that he will have severe trust issues.
  • Nonny and Pop Pop are coming over this evening to teach me and Kyle about giving babies baths. So far we’ve just been wiping him down from head to toe with a baby wipe. But after peeing on his forehead, a couple super nasty poops, and the milk-squirt-gun experience, kiddo could use a real scrub down. And with his umbilical cord stump still hanging on by a thread, along with his healing circumcision, mom and dad are nervous! Time to call in backup!

There are unholy noises coming from both of my men. I’m breastfeeding the baby, listening to kyle’s snoring, and a terrifying bubbly fart noise is coming from my son’s diaper.

Can’t wait to see what is in there. I have a few guesses. But I bet I only need one…

My life is so glamorous!


Today at the doctor, Lewis weighed in at 8 lbs 12.6 oz. Up 10 whole ounces since birth! What a champ!

Today at my doctor appointment, I was down 22 lbs from my highest pregnancy weight. Only 28 lbs to go until I’m at my pre-pregnancy weight!

And today Lewis got a social security number. His card arrived in the mail. His first piece of mail! And now he is a real human!

This is baby Lewis at the pediatrician’s office immediately following his circumcision. He was so brave. Just look how zen he is!

For the record, I was not brave and definitely cried way more than he did.

And he peed all over my brand new shirt. I’d be upset, but what is a little pee on my shirt compared to having your penis cut up? Sure puts things in perspective.

Also, I wouldn’t recommend attending the circumcision of your son alone. That was not my favorite way to spend a morning.

Saturday morning

New favorite weekend activity: laying in bed with my husband and my son.

They’re both still sleeping. And I am just laying here taking it in.

Am I starving? Yes.
Do I need to use the bathroom? Yes.
Could I go for a shower? Yes.
Should I go pump the breast Lewis refused? Probably.

But… they’re so cute. I’m paralyzed.

Bodily fluids

Today is the day of bodily fluids.

1. Lewis peed my bed while I was breastfeeding him last night. He has also peed every which way every single time I’ve changed his diaper today. A washcloth over his penis does nothing to contain the spray.
2. Lewis literally pooped in my hand as I was wiping up his bum from a previous poo.
3. Lewis spits up. Cuz he is a baby.
4. Lewis’ mouth bled/is bleeding after his procedure this morning.

Many cloths and outfits have been soiled today. By many different fluids. Many loads of laundry to be done today.

This child is leaky!

After 10 days of painful breastfeeding, we came to the conclusion that Baby Lewis’ tongue tie needed fixin’. Today he had a little snip-snip procedure done under his tongue and upper lip and now he can stick out his tongue! This is both amusing/adorable and, even better, quite a relief for the breastfeeding situation. Now I don’t dread him getting hungry! And his mama cried more than he did when they did the clipping. Who is the baby now? Hehe

To do today

1. Keep baby alive
2. Cut toenails (I can reach!)
3. Write some thank you notes
4. Stay hydrated and fed

Maternity leave, my friends. It’s so simple on paper. But I might not get all of that done because baby snuggles keep me pinned.

As long as #1 and #4 happen, I’m a success.

Day one

Day one of being home alone with the baby after Kyle returned to work. DVR empty. Nap taken. Dishes done. Laundry done. Baby sleeps all day.

I’m bored.

I can’t wait until my body is healed enough that I feel up to leaving the house for an extended period of time. Then we could at least go wander around somewhere.

Or maybe when my parts are healed more and I can sit more comfortably I could sew a little.

Or… I don’t know. I gotta find something to do.

I lied. I don’t have the anxiety thing figured out. Sleep is still really hard, despite having a baby who sleeps really well.

My anxiety is coming from so many places. But suffice it to say that it mostly relates to my body, breastfeeding, and sleeping enough. (Yes that’s right. Worrying about sleeping enough is causing me to lose sleep)

Someday I’ll write out my birth story. For now, the cliff notes version is that Lewis had to be delivered with a vacuum assist and I ended up with a massive tear. The trauma of Lewis’ birth is causing a recovery process I didn’t expect. And on top of that, breastfeeding is more painful than I could have imagined.

Soon my body will heal, and that will make things easier. I look forward to not having to pay attention to so much self-care.

And today I had a consultation with the lactation specialist who told me Lewis has tongue tie. He is eating well and almost back up to his birth weight again, so it isn’t a huge problem, except that it is probably the cause of the damage to/pain in my breasts. I will be consulting with the pediatrician tomorrow, as well as having my mom take a look, and hopefully after that we will have a decision on whether or not to fix the tongue tie. Maybe breastfeeding will be less torturous if we do.

Come on, body. Heal up. This mama needs some anxiety-inducers taken off her plate. I just want to enjoy the perfect baby Kyle and I made without all this extra distraction. Lewis is… indescribable. I want to get swept away in his charm instead of being caught up in my physical ailments.

2nd night at home

Ok. We’re getting the hang of this. Well, Lewis was already good at sleeping. But I think I’m figuring it out now too!

The first few days were almost entirely sleepless for me, despite plenty of opportunities for sleep. I was just too anxious. It felt like if I wasn’t actively being a mom, I wasn’t doing it right. Like if I wasn’t awake, I’d miss something and Lewis would starve.

That was obviously insane. I knew that. But emotions are funny things.

I feel a lot better now. I still get anxious, but I’m able to turn it off enough that I can get some sleep. I managed about 5 hours last night. Not too shabby!