Day one of being home alone with the baby after Kyle returned to work. DVR empty. Nap taken. Dishes done. Laundry done. Baby sleeps all day.

I’m bored.

I can’t wait until my body is healed enough that I feel up to leaving the house for an extended period of time. Then we could at least go wander around somewhere.

Or maybe when my parts are healed more and I can sit more comfortably I could sew a little.

Or… I don’t know. I gotta find something to do.

I lied. I don’t have the anxiety thing figured out. Sleep is still really hard, despite having a baby who sleeps really well.

My anxiety is coming from so many places. But suffice it to say that it mostly relates to my body, breastfeeding, and sleeping enough. (Yes that’s right. Worrying about sleeping enough is causing me to lose sleep)

Someday I’ll write out my birth story. For now, the cliff notes version is that Lewis had to be delivered with a vacuum assist and I ended up with a massive tear. The trauma of Lewis’ birth is causing a recovery process I didn’t expect. And on top of that, breastfeeding is more painful than I could have imagined.

Soon my body will heal, and that will make things easier. I look forward to not having to pay attention to so much self-care.

And today I had a consultation with the lactation specialist who told me Lewis has tongue tie. He is eating well and almost back up to his birth weight again, so it isn’t a huge problem, except that it is probably the cause of the damage to/pain in my breasts. I will be consulting with the pediatrician tomorrow, as well as having my mom take a look, and hopefully after that we will have a decision on whether or not to fix the tongue tie. Maybe breastfeeding will be less torturous if we do.

Come on, body. Heal up. This mama needs some anxiety-inducers taken off her plate. I just want to enjoy the perfect baby Kyle and I made without all this extra distraction. Lewis is… indescribable. I want to get swept away in his charm instead of being caught up in my physical ailments.