Sometimes I can’t sleep because I’m so happy.

Close! No sleeping through the night, but we did make it 6.5 hrs. I’ll take it!

Hopefully the next stretch takes us another 3 or 4, cuz then mommy won’t even need to doze in bed the rest of the morning!

On today’s episode of “Lewis Sleeps”…

Lewis hasn’t slept at all today. Just a few 20 minute naps. Instead, he was awake and charming all day long. He was a little needy and wanted to be held or at least be able to see me all day long. So cute!

After a full day of being awake… could tonight be the first time he sleeps through the night? Well… right now he’s eaten and seems to think being awake is still fun. But we’ll see!

Today Lewis met people from work. We adventured our way to my office where he was the center of attention. It is pretty fun to show him off. Everyone remarked at what a calm baby he is.

And they’re right. He is.

Except for tonight. Tonight Lewis had some issues.

First off, it’s hot today. I think we topped off at 85 outside, which meant our uninsulated 109 year old house got up to 80. So Lewis was hot. Even when we had him in just a diaper. Poor baby. What is he going to do when it is 90 or 100+?!

He also got hungry this evening waaaay before when he normally does, and didn’t communicate that fact in the way he normally does. There was no cooing or grunting or eating of his hands. No rooting. Nothing we’re used to. He just… lost it.

He cried uncontrollably for quite some time before I decided to try feeding him, despite no signs of hunger. And what do you know… he ate and fell asleep.

Of course he did wake up again about 5 minutes later. So now I’m hanging out snuggling a very sweaty baby who looks asleep. But I don’t trust him. I think he is faking it again. So I’ll wait it out a bit longer.

I got 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep again! It would have been less, but Kyle worked late yesterday and missed Lewis terribly, so he asked to rock Lewis to sleep after I fed him. And I went to bed!

Heaven, I tell you. Bliss.

Except for the painfully full breasts thanks to the long gap between feedings. We’re going to have to figure that out if Lewis keeps this pattern up. 🙂

But I am so happily well rested that I think I have some brain power I can devote to solving that problem in the morning.

I’ve been thinking that I may have found my groove for about a week now. And since the feeling hasn’t gone away, I think it is safe to say publicly at this point. Lewis is 7 weeks old today, and I think I’ve got my groove as a mom.

We’ve settled into a comfortable rhythm with breastfeeding where, for the most part, my supply is just right and I understand all of Lewis’ cues and patterns about when he wants to eat. And I still have no damage reappearing, so we’re probably out of the woods with that now too!

I have even started to understand what the different noises Lewis makes mean. I know when he is gassy, when he is hungry, when he is bored, etc. just based upon his noises and movements. That alone makes me feel like super-mom!

Going out in public for standard errands or social visits isn’t scary in the slightest anymore. This is partially due to the fact that I’ve got practice now. Bust mostly it is because I feel confident in my ability to keep a calm head and problem solve if something should suddenly veer off track.

That is the biggest thing that makes me feel like I’m comfortable in my new role: I am prepared for the unexpected to happen without losing my cool.

That’s huge. In the beginning, I was a ball of anxiety, imagining all the things that could “go wrong”. Now? My anxiety doesn’t paralyze me. I’ve lived through some of the situations that I imagined would result in disaster, and survived all of them. Once you survive something that caused you anxiety, you realize how silly you were to worry, and then that trigger never causes problems again.

And once that happens a few times, the feeling transfers to other anxiety-triggers – if that situation didn’t turn out as bad as I thought it would, then surely these other things I’m worried about won’t be as bad either!

Et voila… I’m in a groove.

Bring it on, motherhood. You don’t scare me anymore. I don’t know what other curveballs you’ve got up your sleeve, but I do know that I can handle it. I may not be graceful at all times, and I may have moments where I feel overwhelmed… but I’ve got this.

I just slept 5 hours in a row. Lewis, you are the best.

My goodness. Look at us, up before 9am just because!

I can’t remember getting up before 9am on a day without a doctor’s appointment since before Lewis was born.

So many things in my life have changed since he got here, and the sleeping in short bursts thing has probably been the biggest adjustment. We usually go from 9 or 10 pm to 2 or 3 am, then another stretch until 5 or 6 am, and a final doze session until about 9:30 am.

Quite different than my previous schedule of 9 pm to 6:30 am, uninterrupted. 🙂

Kyle and I went shopping today. He needed some clothes for a wedding he is the best man in, and I was after my “interim” jeans.

We succeeded in finding all of the above all at one store, and with a sleeping baby in tow. Quite a victory.

But as I suspected, my “interim” jeans are positively gigantic. I am a full 3 sizes bigger than where I feel my best, and 2 sizes above my size immediately prior to pregnancy. Despite my best efforts to prepare for this reality, it stung a bit to see that my predictions were correct.

I don’t like being this big. I just have to keep reminding myself that it is only temporary. And despite not liking the number on the tags, I felt pretty fabulous being back in jeans in general. It helped me to feel much more normal, which seems to be the theme of the week. We’re cruising towards normalcy at a good clip. And that makes me happy!

Yesterday I ran some errands, and when I arrived home, Lewis and Kyle were snuggling in the living room.

I walked in and said to Lewis, “Did you miss me?!”

And he burst out into the biggest grin ever.

I’d say he missed me. 🙂 and Kyle and I both teared up at how sweet Lewis’ reaction was.

We did things in the wrong order tonight. Lewis played, then ate, and then had a bath, and now he is sleeping.

Normally we do bath, play, eat, sleep.

Because eating happened so early in the process, I’m anticipating a hungry baby at any moment, despite him going to sleep so recently.

Not sure why we mixed things up today. That seems silly in retrospect.

Now that I’ve been cleared for physical activity, I’ve set my first post-baby weight loss goal.

In the interest of being reasonable and sane (two qualities I hope to possess as a mother and as a human in general), I am aiming for something attainable. Considering that I’ve already lost 30 lbs without trying, I am well on my way towards my pre-pregnancy weight. But I do still have 20 to go, since I went overboard in a big way during pregnancy. We’ll just call all the extra weight “breastfeeding fuel” to make it sound less atrocious.

So the goal…

I’m shooting for 5 more pounds before my next doctor’s appointment, which is almost exactly one month from now. I feel like I can do this for a number of reasons:

1. I’m still breastfeeding and burning extra calories that way.
2. I already lost so much weight without exercise. Imagine what I can do with just a few gym visits per week!
3. I have been eating whatever I want and have lost weight anyway. Some more careful choices should make a huge difference!
4. Kyle is super supportive of my goals, without being pushy or telling me I’m fat and disgusting. As a matter of fact, he seems to think I’m more beautiful than ever, which confuses the heck out of me. But he makes me feel really good about myself, and that makes me feel inspired.

Wish me luck!

I love to be organized. And today I’ve gotten the itch to get some things in order.

One thing on the list is baby clothes. I bought some bins to sort things into so clothes that are not currently in use due to being the wrong size can be put away but easily located.

I just put away the newborn size stuff and OH. MY. GOODNESS. he was so small! Hard to believe how quickly he has ballooned! 6 weeks later and those tiny clothes look like a joke! No way they were made for actual humans to fit into!

And then I put away the 12 months size stuff for future use and OH. MY. GOODNESS. no way he is going to be that big EVER.

Lewis went to sleep at 8pm. I am skeptical about what this will mean for the night ahead. Best to just put myself to bed now to be on the safe side! Sleep when baby sleeps, they say!

Aye aye captain! Sleep I shall!

Update: it was a fake out. It is now 10:15 and I think Lewis may actually be sleeping now.

I had my 6 week postpartum appointment. And *huzzah!* I have been declared 100% healthy! Well… more like 98% healthy. But that final 2% shouldn’t affect my day to day life, and I just have to have one more follow up appointment with a different doctor to figure that out.

All my stitches have dissolved, and everything looks as it should. I’ve been cleared to resume all normal activities whenever I feel like it. I half expected my doctor to tell me I was another 2 weeks out based upon my last conversation with her… but I do feel really good, so I knew there was a chance I’d be cleared.

It is one thing to be declared physically fit, and it is another thing entirely to feel mentally ready. There was a lot of physical trauma involved with Lewis’ birth, and at times it felt like the pain would last forever. It is difficult to trust that everything is okay down there after only 6 quick weeks, especially after mentally preparing for “forever”.

But I would like to get back to the gym and wear normal non-gigantic underwear… I think those are the first things I’ll try!

OH! And maybe I’ll by some “interim” jeans (jeans that aren’t maternity, but which are larger than my pre-pregnancy jeans) and try wearing normal pants! Bye bye yoga pants and maxi skirts? Maaaaaybe!

After a day with 5 outfit changes due to Lewis vomiting (gah! Again!), pooping, and peeing on himself, I felt like I’d simply had enough and needed a pick-me-up.

So I packed up Lewis and headed to the store to get a surprise for Kyle. He loves gummy bears (and gummy candy in general), so I got a 3 lb bag of haribos, and a 2 lb bag of sour patch kids. I also got a bottle of champagne, a new movie, and a card. In the card I told him he can have a 15 minute massage from me anytime he wants.

I imagined that we would open the champagne and watch the movie while eating gummy bears and snuggling Lewis. And at some point I’d rub his shoulders. The idea made me happy and totally brightened my day.

Well… Kyle came home from work and mowed the lawn and brought in the garbage cans and folded laundry and made the bed instead. And then he was so tired that he wanted to help get me and Lewis off to bed and check out with some video games.

It was a different evening than I planned. But it was still pleasant. I just hope that my surprise keeps until tomorrow! Everything has been so baby oriented lately that we hardly have time to show each other we care. But I definitely haven’t stopped caring. As a matter of fact, I appreciate my husband even more than ever. We are just in a stage where we have to make a conscious effort to show it, otherwise it is too easy to focus 1000% on Lewis. And we’ll be better parents to him if we are happy and strong and paying attention to each other as a couple than if we direct all our energy towards him.

I started the night with a 3.5 hr sleep. I guess that’s a little more than a power nap! Turns out Lewis was more tired than hungry and didn’t wake up for food nearly as soon as I expected.

Second stretch was 2.5 hrs. So I am already at 6 hours of sleep at 5:45 am! Amazing! Anything after this just feels like a bonus. I could totally survive on 6 hours.

Thanks, Baby Lewis!

Lewis has been awake for most of the day. It has been rather impressive – and fun too! I thought for sure he’d go right to sleep after the last feeding, because surely he must be exhausted.

But he must have a tummy ache or something, because he keeps sleeping for 4 minutes and then waking up to fuss. And now it’s been so long since his last feeding that it almost doesn’t even matter if he falls asleep – he’ll be waking up soon for more food anyway. So any sleep I manage to get if he does drift off will hardly even count as a power nap.

But after the next feeding he is bound to be tired. He’s had such an alert day! It will hit him at some point, I’m sure!

Lewis is 12.5 lbs today, on his 6 week birthday. That means he is almost out of 0-3 months sized clothes already!

I also just found out that “3 months” sized baby clothes actually fall into the 0-3 months group, not the 3-6 months category as I previously thought. So Lewis has a whole crop of clothes that he needs to wear in the next couple days if they’re ever going to see any action.

They should really make this stuff easier.

Lewis is 6 weeks old today! Can you believe that? It feels like he has always been here. And boy do we sure like having him around.

6 weeks! What a big boy! Practically an adult!

As I mentioned, today was my first day of part-time work since the baby arrived. I worked from home and even managed to do all 4 hours in one stretch. Lewis was very cooperative.

Kyle came home at lunch to see us and changed a diaper while he was here. It was extremely helpful as well as being a fun midday surprise. Lewis loves his daddy and when they were playing it almost sounded like he was giggling! But I’m sure that’s not possible at his tender young age.

How did it feel to work again? Well… it was ok. Turns out they survived without me, but they all seemed happy not to have to survive any longer without me. My value may have gone up now that they all know how much I do on a regular basis. I will quote one of my minions to demonstrate the point: “We always knew you were busy. But you made it look so easy!”

My boss also seemed relieved to have me back. He must be glad not to have to do parts of my job on top of everything he already does. He was already a busy man.

So it was a nice welcome back from everyone. Who doesn’t like to feel valued? 🙂 But I didn’t love sticking the baby in his rocker for so long. I felt like I was neglecting him. And it turns out breastfeeding and typing are not a natural combination, but instead a learned skill. I’m sure I’ll improve with time.

Having lost 4 hours of my normal maternity leave day to work, I had a tougher time getting things done around the house. No shower or dishes or laundry until the evening when Kyle came home. Because after I stopped working for the day, I had to snuggle my baby to make up for all the neglect. Poor Lewis.

But it worked. I think I’ll be able to manage it. And it wasn’t completely awful to turn my brain back on. It would appear that my brain is still in working order, despite not having processed any problems besides breastfeeding and baby poop for 6 weeks. What a relief!

There was another shooting in our neighborhood. This time it was at the local playground, and it was gang related.

I repeat: it was at our local playground. 

At 5pm.

On a sunny day. One that might tempt you to go to the playground with your child.

THERE WAS A SHOOTING AT THE PLAYGROUND WHERE I COULD HAVE BEEN PLAYING WITH MY CHILD.

Our daycare emailed all parents to say that kids were safe. There were helicopters flying overhead. There were sirens blaring.

I have been searching for houses online again. Any house that isn’t in a neighborhood where shootings are common is too expensive for us still. That hasn’t changed. I didn’t really think it would have changed in the few months since the last shooting. But I was hoping…

But I am back at work as of today… so time to bring home the bacon so we can get out of here.

THE NEGATIVE: Lewis projectile vomited again while at my mom’s for her birthday dinner. Actually, it was while we were eating dinner and sitting at the table. He soaked me and himself, and we both had to change clothes. It was embarrassing, but even worse, it totally rattled me and Kyle.

I retreated to the bathroom and cried while I cleaned myself up. Kyle took care of Lewis and ended up taking him home and skipping dessert. Honestly… we both kind of skipped dinner too because we were too thrown off to sit back down and eat. Which I’m regretting now at 4 am when I’m starving.

THE POSITIVE: Kyle was solo parent for a long time yesterday afternoon while I took my mom for a birthday pedicure and helped cook her birthday dinner. He was excited to give a long stretch a try, along with packing the baby up and having somewhere to go. It all went swimmingly (as I knew it would), and Kyle was very pleased with the experience.

We managed to bathe Lewis before bed, even though it was late. So now the only vomit covered human is me.

Lewis went a 5.5 hour stretch between feedings! Wow! I didn’t get to bed right away because Kyle and I felt the need to debrief after the day and chatted a bit before sleep time. But I still got a 4 hour sleep in! Way to go, Lewis. Mom liked that.

My fever is gone. And so is my breast tenderness for the most part. Mom and I think I had mastitis and that I was able to clear it through feeding Lewis. Thank goodness it didn’t get worse and I didn’t need medical intervention. That could have been my final straw with breastfeeding. But now we don’t have to go there!

Mom’s birthday dinner was a success, and Lewis’ vomiting episode only seemed to ruin it for us. Mom deserves to have an amazing birthday, and it was fun to pull off a huge fancy dinner with my brothers.

Lots more positives than negatives. The one negative thing on the list felt so huge and overwhelming that it was hard to recognize that the positives were significantly more abundant yesterday. When you see it spelled out like that, it’s easier to feel grateful.

Spoke too soon. My fever is back. Can’t sleep cuz I’m so cold.

Plus I called the pediatrician and had to wait a half hour for them to call back. They have given me a few things to watch for with Lewis after his episode earlier. I always feel better with marching orders.

But I must say I am extra grateful for the 4 hours of sleep that kicked off my night. I am going to need them to get Lewis taken care of tonight. I’ve already been up 2 hours for this feeding and phone call. And he woke back up as soon as I got back in bed.

He does seem to be feeling okay, however. As I sit in my chair and rock him, he keeps giving me little smiles in his sleep. Hopefully soon he’ll be good and zonked and I can try to snag a few more hours.

Love you, baby boy. Sleep sleep now.

Bright green poop and projectile vomiting. Happy middle of the night feeding to me.

Poor Lewis. 😦