I gave in. I had to pump. The pain was too much, and I started to worry about getting mastitis. I was just laying in bed worrying. I even imagined that I had the chills and was getting a fever.

I’m losing my mind.

What is happening

I skipped a feeding yesterday and replaced it with a bottle in order to encourage my milk supply to reduce. The result is, as expected, engorged and painful breasts.

Here we are at the night’s first feeding and, unexpectedly, Lewis hardly ate and is now refusing the breast.

He ate fitfully for 2 minutes, coming on and off. And now he won’t go on at all. He can’t have gotten any significant nourishment.

Is he sick? Is my breast too engorged for him to latch properly? Has he finally decided that it is too stressful to eat directly from the breast?

All I know is that I am now worried. And I received no relief for my engorgement from his abbreviated feeding.

I feel like I need to pump in order to survive. But I don’t want to undo any progress I’ve made with down-signaling my supply.

This is misery. I’m confused and in pain and I can’t figure breastfeeding out so that it feels natural and comfortable for me and for Lewis.

I just wish he’d eat. If he refuses again at the next feeding, I may lose my mind with worry.