(Ir)rational fear

I’ve been going to the gym (somewhat) regularly. It feels really good to go and to move. But I haven’t been losing any weight.

I’m not confused about why I’m “stuck” here – I am not losing weight because I haven’t been letting myself lose weight. Why? because I am so scared to lose my milk supply that I haven’t been letting myself have a daily calorie deficit.

The good news is that I’m not gaining weight either. I’m just maintaining where I am. Don’t get me wrong, I really want to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. But I have heard horror stories about not taking in enough calories/working out too hard and losing a previously strong milk supply. I’ve already been through oversupply… I don’t want to go through the other extreme.

I could easily lose this weight – and fast. It would melt off of me if I let it. I know how to do portion control and work out, and this weight really wants to come off of me. My body doesn’t like being this weight, and it would shed the pounds with only minor adjustments to my eating.

But I eat huge portions to keep my calorie intake up to “breastfeeding levels” because I just can’t let go of this fear! And the worst part is, I don’t know if it is a rational fear or not. Maybe I would be fine if I let myself lose weight, but maybe I wouldn’t – I can’t know that unless I take the plunge. But I’m just not ready to risk it, I guess.