I do have fluid in my ears and swollen glands in my throat, but the doc said no ear infection or strep for me. Just a virus! So that’s good. Nice to avoid antibiotics. Although I do feel pretty crummy… the fever chills are probably the worst part.

But it isn’t life threatening. I’ll be alright! 🙂

Everything hurts. Fever of 100.4. I’m taking kiddo to daycare and then going to the doctor. I’m concerned that I may have my own ear infection. Or maybe strep throat. Best to just check.

Took ibuprofen before bed to deal with the aches and pains and fever. Brought my fever down and turned me into a sweaty mess.

Ibuprofen has now worn off and I feel cold all over again. Headache, sore ear and sore throat are also all back.

And Lewis is not interested in going back to sleep.

I’m so cold! I wish he’d go back to sleep simply because I need to snuggle up under the blankets!

Today was a good day for a few reasons, not just because Lewis seemed to be feeling better.

I had a rough day yesterday after too little sleep and an uncomfortable conversation with a friend that left me with some bruised feelings. So it was really nice that today was better.

The main reason it was good was because I got to Skype with my maid of honor/sister from another mister/soulmate in the morning, all the way from Sweden. She and I don’t connect enough, and she is a true angel in my life. Talking with her filled my cup right up.

It also thrilled me to pieces that Lewis ate like a champ today. He didn’t breastfeed much (and when he did, he bit me! Boo!), but he ate a ton of solids and drank some water. He was very into the peanut butter sandwich I made for him, which was pretty adorable.

I got a haircut today! Just a trim. Mostly bringing up the length in the back a bit so I have a slight A-line. I feel refreshed and rejuvenated. It doesn’t take a drastic change for a haircut to really change how you feel!

And last, Kyle and I decided to splurge on a custom pantry for the kitchen. It is going to match our current cabinets and I will finally have somewhere to store food! Hooray! It is pretty expensive, but Kyle and I both have raises coming with our next paychecks, and we know that the pantry will solve a major problem and make us happy for many many years. So after much deliberation, we are pulling the trigger!

Yes, today was definitely a better day. Now if I could just shake these aches, chills and this headache, life would be perfect. 🙂

Lewis had a better night and a better day today too. He was extra cheerful and didn’t seem to be in pain. We all enjoyed that. But tomorrow will be very interesting at the doctor.

Meanwhile, Kyle has been under the weather all day. And just this evening I have started having aches and feeling off. Let’s hope the grown ups don’t go down!

More tylenol at nap time. Poor Lewis.

Now the question is… teething or ears? Both? They look so similar….

I say ears. Kyle says teeth.

I guess we will find out Monday when we go in for his ear follow up. Tylenol all the time for now.

Lewis just barfed in my ear and in my hair.

IN MY EAR.

I was going to go to the gym this morning. But I have to shower immediately. And it makes no sense to go to the gym right after a shower. So ill go this evening instead.

I can’t believe he barfed in my ear. That’s so gross.

Tylenol did the trick. He went back to sleep in no time after the Tylenol. I wish he’d given clearer signs that he was in pain so I could have given it to him sooner.

I woke up with a terrible headache after such a bad night. And I feel like I have sand paper for eyelids. But of course Lewis is awake and cheerful like nothing happened.

Good thing Kyle is happy to get up to get him and do a diaper etc. That way I at least get to stay in bed and feed him here when the boys come back. And once he is fed, I can be horizontal while he climbs all over us in bed. I’m just not ready to get up yet!

It has been 2 hours and 10 minutes since he woke up. And he is still f%ing awake.

I just gave him some Tylenol. He hasn’t been screaming as long as I hold him. Just when I put him down and try to leave. I even laid on the floor next to the crib and sang to him for a while and he didn’t scream. It seems to just be a separation thing…? But no matter what I do, he doesn’t sleep. I don’t really know if Tylenol is the right thing to do. But I am at my wit’s end.

So I stepped away for a minute to collect myself because I was so angry, and then I gave him the Tylenol and now I’m rocking him. Again. And he’s just talking and playing with my face.

I mean… at some point he has to fall asleep. He can’t stay awake forever. But boy does it feel like he’s aiming for forever.

I feel like I could die.

We haven’t had sleep issues for a while. I say we have the antibiotics to thank for that.

Now that we’re off of them, Lewis is back to his old ways. And I am not a fan. It’s interesting how you can love someone so much, but at the same time you want to tape their eyes shut. I’m so tired.

He just won’t go back to sleep after his night waking. And he keeps yanking at his ear.

I swear. These ears of his.

Lewis is really making progress on the standing-on-his-own project!! Today he stood on his own for almost 10 seconds before realizing what he was doing and then falling.

Amazing!

He has also gained some more weight, if our bathroom scale is to be trusted. I’m obviously thrilled about that. What a relief.

And we finished up antibiotics yesterday for the ear infection. Now we wait through the weekend and go to the doctor on Monday to check for fluid in his ears. Really hoping there isn’t any. I know tubes aren’t a huge deal, but it would be so nice if he just got well and didn’t need more interventions. But at the end of the day, we’ll do whatever we need to in order to help him. Come hell or crushing medical bills, we will take care of Baby Lewis!!

And finally, today Lewis took a THREE AND A HALF HOUR NAP. I kid you not. In the middle of my work day, which was awesome. Made getting work done very easy. 🙂

My new pants came in the mail yesterday. They’re from a brand that I always have good luck with, but I was unsure of my size this time around.

I ordered all four pairs of jeans in a size smaller than my last pair, and I was nervous I wasn’t going to be able to wear them.

Ha! Two pairs fit great. The other two are just a tiny bit snug and should fit very soon if I stay dedicated to my plan.

Take that, tiny pants.

So I’ve been a member of my new gym for two days, and I’ve been to the gym twice. Pretty solid record, I think.

I obviously won’t be able to keep my attendance at 100% forever, but I do have a new goal in mind for my body.

I don’t really care how long it takes, but I’d like to get under 160 lbs. I was 165 when I got pregnant, and I feel my best at 150. But I think I’d feel pretty wonderful anywhere in the 150s.

I’m consistently weighing in between 166 and 169 at this point. I’m very happy with the progress I’ve made since the height of my pregnancy (215lbs, people!!!). But let’s keep the progress going! I’ve got less than 10-ish lbs to go before I’m in the 150s. That’s nothing now that I’ve got a gym membership at a gym I can realistically go to regularly.

I haven’t had to be careful so far with what I eat since I’ve been breastfeeding and the weight has been coming off no matter what. But the pounds have been dropping slower, and I think the time has come to be more careful with what I eat.

With both diet and exercise, I’m a little concerned that I won’t have enough net calorie-intake to support my milk supply. But honestly, even if my supply were to drastically decrease…. maybe that’s okay? With Lewis rapidly approaching a year old, I have to be realistic – he isn’t going to breastfeed forever. Eventually he will be getting most of his calories from real food. And “eventually” is actually pretty darn soon. And in order to avoid the pain of going from producing this much milk, to Lewis not needing much milk at all… perhaps a decrease in my milk supply is due?

So I am choosing not to worry about my milk supply anymore. I will do what I need to do to drop the weight I’d like to lose, and my milk will do whatever it needs to do as a result.

This new mindset feels both freeing and a little sad. Motherhood is always a dichotomy, it seems.

Love love love my new gym. It is so close that I can go, do 30 mins cardio, come home, start a load of laundry, and shower in under an hour.

AMAZING.

And do you know what happened while I was gone? Kyle gave kiddo a bath.

What a successful Tuesday evening!

This morning on the way to daycare, Lewis sat in his carseat in the back and just giggled and pointed at things for the whole drive. Totally entertained by himself, and full of joy.

That filled my cup for the day. Such a special, adorable, sweet little baby boy.

I’m supposed to fly to Kentucky for my little brother’s graduation from his
master’s program in May.

At first I was like… yea! I’m in! Time with my family! Going somewhere new! Yesssss!

But after thinking about it more…I’m terrified. Because Lewis is supposed to come
with me.

Rent a car seat, or bring ours? Have to buy an umbrella
stroller. Check or carry on the pack n play? What on earth will I do
with him in an airplane for hours on end with nowhere to go and no
comfortable place to nap? How will I manage the time difference and
bedtime? What will I do when the rest of the family wants to go out and
do things during the day, and Lewis needs to nap for three hours at the
hotel? What about breastfeeding on the plane/out in public when Lewis gets distracted so easily and pulls off the breast, causing me to spray everywhere?

I’m reeling my enthusiasm back in. Not sure I can handle the trip with him at this age.

No-tylenol-night went fine in the end! Besides 2nd bedtime, Lewis only woke up once to eat. He is still sleeping now, but I’m awake because Kyle gets up super early on Tuesdays for work.

But yay Lewis!

Trying a no-tylenol-night, since Lewis’ day and evening were so stellar (two hour nap at daycare! Drank his bottles! Ate tons of food! Didn’t scream all evening at home!)

So far, however, the no-tylenol-night is not going well. Initial bedtime was easy, but we’re having second bedtime less than an hour later. Second bedtimes are infrequent nowadays…

This kiddo is tricky, I tell ya! Tricky tricky!

I joined the gym near our house! Huzzah! A 5 minute drive, and I can get a quick sweat in whenever I want!

AKA whenever Kyle is home to watch the baby.

Hoorayyyyyyy!

Sleepy eating and “I’m absolutely starving” eating still work for kiddo. So bedtime and middle-of-the-night feedings went well. Lewis also slept almost 7 hours between his nighttime feeding and when he woke up this morning, so he was starving and ate fine at 6:30am today too.

That’s good information. We’re not doing cold turkey. And now that we’re into the work week again, I don’t have a lot of opportunities to gather information about daytime feedings. So we’ll just keep on trucking and assume that he was just having an extremely bad day yesterday… I guess.

Kyle thinks rejecting the boob (especially the right side. the left went better yesterday) has something to do with being laid on his side since his ears still seem to be hurting, despite being on antibiotics for a week. Interesting theory. There could be something to that.

Anyway… Lewis and I both woke up this morning hacking and coughing. His breathing sounds gunky again, like it sounded when he had bronchiolitis. And he barfed a couple times this morning from coughing too. But just a little bit… so we’re going to let it slide.

My “sickness” hasn’t been terrible. After that first day, my immune system of steel kicked in, and I’ve just been a little sleepy, a little cough-y, and a little snotty in the morning. Generally speaking, I wouldn’t even call myself sick.

Lewis, though, is definitely sick still. No surprises there. Hand-foot-and-mouth disease is going around daycare right now. Please cross your fingers for us that he doesn’t catch that too.

Not sure what is happening. Lewis has refused the boob almost all day, except for before naps.

I’m engorged and suffering. And confused. He’s refused most solids too… but water is acceptable. And butternut squash. And banana crackers. But that’s it.

Everything he doesn’t want, including the breast, he turns down by blowing raspberries at it.

So here I sit. Pumping. And I should have gotten one of the big bottles. Cuz this little one isn’t gonna cut it.

I hope Lewis hasn’t decided to quit the boob cold turkey. Especially since he also doesn’t like bottles. But seriously. The pain. Please no cold turkey, kid.

Just had a little family outing to Target for a “few” things. Spent $200. Hahaha Target strikes again.

But it was super fun. All three of us together, Lewis in great spirits ooh-ing and ahh-ing at everything.

I know it isn’t anything spectacular, but little moments like that are pretty great.

Man… sometimes when I am up in the middle of the night with Lewis, I discover that I am starving. Like, tummy rumbling, can’t think kind of starving.

This is one of those times.

3am and I could go for a buffet. Or a thanksgiving feast. Or a super sized value meal. Or really pretty much anything edible (as long as it come in large quantities).

After my wonderful birthday yesterday, it was time for part 2: taking myself shopping. My mom and I hit the stores while Kyle stayed home with Lewis. I fed Lewis and pumped before I left so I could maximize time away.

Mom and I had a great time together, as always. She’s always my favorite shopping buddy! With our busy lives, we don’t get nearly enough time together. So today was very special.

I got a few of the things on my list, but I was surprised to find out that I’m not as big a fan of my “new and improved” body as I thought. I thought I was ready to overhaul my wardrobe because I was starting to feel good in my new shape. But I was pretty unsatisfied with how most of the clothes fit and rejected nearly everything I tried on. I guess I need to do a little more to truly feel good in my skin. Until then, I at least have a few more things to wear that make me feel fabulous! I just didn’t get to shop like crazy like I’d planned. My wallet is pleased.

The strangest part of the day was how panicked I started to feel towards the end of our outing. My breasts were starting to fill up, I had heard from Kyle that he was trying to put Lewis down for a nap, and I suddenly felt completely guilty for not being there, as well as freaked out that I had no way to empty my breasts. I needed to get home asap.

So mom and I power walked through the mall to hit a few last stores as I babbled about working through the guilt, zig zagging around the crowd. And then I got my butt home.

As soon as I walked through the door I felt like I could breathe again. The relief was unbelievable, and also very confusing.

Funny thing was, Lewis was asleep when I got home! So he didn’t even need me for another hour. And guess what… my boobs didn’t explode. Imagine that.

I’m not sure why I was so overcome today. I always miss Lewis, but that was extreme. I was very emotional yesterday too, having a little happy-cry on the couch before my family arrived for dinner, just thinking about how great they are. So maybe I’m hormonal and it is messing with me. My emotions are very intense lately!

It’s my birthday! So far, I’ve been working from home and aside from greetings on Facebook, a kiss goodbye from Kyle, a phone call from my mom, a poopy diaper and a lot of sass from Lewis… it’s just like any other Friday.

I’ve been doing laundry, entertaining Lewis, trying to tidy up for my mom and her husband to come over tonight, and getting work done. Multitasking at its finest.

But my new desk from mom and her husband should arrive soon, and tonight they’re bringing dinner and dessert. And tomorrow we go shopping. So maybe I’ll start to feel a little more festive later on!

I do really love birthdays. Everyone has one, but somehow they feel so special anyway.

Some days I have trouble keeping positive and counting my blessings. Yesterday was one of those days.

While those feelings are still very real, today is a new day and a new opportunity to choose my attitude.

Lewis has awoken earlier than normal, and it seems we’re up for the day. He is having trouble falling back asleep because of his constant coughing. I am tired, but I am soaking up this moment of being there for him when he needs me. Because in 90 minutes, I’ll be off to work and he’ll be headed to daycare.

This parenting thing is a roller coaster. People try to warn you, but nothing can prepare you. I don’t always handle it with grace. And sometimes I can’t even muster up a smile. But I’m doing this motherhood thing the best I know how, figuring it out every day as I go.

On a lighter note – everyone at work keeps saying that I look like I’ve lost weight. I haven’t really – still hovering around 1.5-3 lbs away from pre-pregnancy weight – but that’s a nice thing to hear anyway.

I guess my new jeans from Stitch Fix and a few cute new tops that fit properly have created a nice optical illusion!

But the time has come to wage war on my stretch marks. With help from my sister-in-law, I found a gym near our new house. I will be quitting my old gym and signing up with the one closer to our house as soon as I can. Sick baby has delayed things a few days, but I’m sure I’ll find a way someday.

Hitting my pre-pregnancy weight will be a great accomplishment. I’m looking forward to it. But the war on stretch marks is my new focus. They’re on my thighs/rear-end, and I’m embarrassed by them. I’d like to feel comfortable in a swimsuit so I can take Lewis to some baby-and-me swim classes. Tiger stripes on my legs do not make me want to wear a swimsuit.

I’ll win the war, my friends. Just not sure how long it will drag on. Depends a whole lot on sick baby!

I hate how much I’ve been obsessing over Lewis’ health… but I can’t help it. Every waking moment – and even some sleeping moments – I am completely consumed by trying to figure out how to help my baby be well.

It doesn’t feel okay to me that he’s been constantly sick – without breaks – for over 6 months. 2 bouts of croup, 1 episode of bronchiolitis, 3 ear infections, 2 rounds of pink eye, stomach bug twice, and in between all of those? Your run-of-the-mill common cold. Even last week when he was “well”, he had a cold and was oozing snot. He was “well” by Lewis’ standards, not by normal standards. He literally hasn’t had one single day off of being sick since starting daycare.

With his diminished appetite that is accompanying this round of illness, I am sure he will lose weight again. He ate so little yesterday that my breasts were engorged all day (I have found relief through pumping at work today). And he wouldn’t eat a bite of solid foods, which are normally a huge hit even when his appetite is small.

Normally he begins to feel better after the first dose of antibiotics. Not this time. Yesterday, he cried all day long unless I was holding him. And he didn’t sleep well again last night. And this morning he still wouldn’t eat much. He is clearly still in pain.

My mommy-instincts are screaming at me to get him out of daycare and take care of him myself. Get him away from the germs. My mama-bear protective instincts are swirling so violently inside of me that I can hardly think. I’m on the verge of becoming irrational and just quitting my job so I can keep him safe and well.

I’ve thought myself through all possible solutions to get him out of the petri dish of daycare. I’ve done the math a million different ways, and we just can’t afford for me or Kyle to be home full time. A nanny is too expensive. Even a nanny-share is too expensive. I haven’t been able to come up with a different work solution where I can be home and working either. We even talked with my dad about moving him back to Portland to care for Lewis.

Nothing works.

Ignoring my mommy-instincts is physically painful. My gut tells me that what is happening to Lewis isn’t okay. That I need to do something about it. I just can’t figure out what I can do.

But on some level… this feels like more than just a daycare-related problem. None of the other kids at daycare are sick like this all the time, and they’re exposed to the same germs. I have this nagging feeling that there is something more serious going on in my little boy’s body. Why can’t he get a break? Why can’t his body fight things off?

OMG HE IS ASLEEP. I DID IT.