On a lighter note – everyone at work keeps saying that I look like I’ve lost weight. I haven’t really – still hovering around 1.5-3 lbs away from pre-pregnancy weight – but that’s a nice thing to hear anyway.

I guess my new jeans from Stitch Fix and a few cute new tops that fit properly have created a nice optical illusion!

But the time has come to wage war on my stretch marks. With help from my sister-in-law, I found a gym near our new house. I will be quitting my old gym and signing up with the one closer to our house as soon as I can. Sick baby has delayed things a few days, but I’m sure I’ll find a way someday.

Hitting my pre-pregnancy weight will be a great accomplishment. I’m looking forward to it. But the war on stretch marks is my new focus. They’re on my thighs/rear-end, and I’m embarrassed by them. I’d like to feel comfortable in a swimsuit so I can take Lewis to some baby-and-me swim classes. Tiger stripes on my legs do not make me want to wear a swimsuit.

I’ll win the war, my friends. Just not sure how long it will drag on. Depends a whole lot on sick baby!

I hate how much I’ve been obsessing over Lewis’ health… but I can’t help it. Every waking moment – and even some sleeping moments – I am completely consumed by trying to figure out how to help my baby be well.

It doesn’t feel okay to me that he’s been constantly sick – without breaks – for over 6 months. 2 bouts of croup, 1 episode of bronchiolitis, 3 ear infections, 2 rounds of pink eye, stomach bug twice, and in between all of those? Your run-of-the-mill common cold. Even last week when he was “well”, he had a cold and was oozing snot. He was “well” by Lewis’ standards, not by normal standards. He literally hasn’t had one single day off of being sick since starting daycare.

With his diminished appetite that is accompanying this round of illness, I am sure he will lose weight again. He ate so little yesterday that my breasts were engorged all day (I have found relief through pumping at work today). And he wouldn’t eat a bite of solid foods, which are normally a huge hit even when his appetite is small.

Normally he begins to feel better after the first dose of antibiotics. Not this time. Yesterday, he cried all day long unless I was holding him. And he didn’t sleep well again last night. And this morning he still wouldn’t eat much. He is clearly still in pain.

My mommy-instincts are screaming at me to get him out of daycare and take care of him myself. Get him away from the germs. My mama-bear protective instincts are swirling so violently inside of me that I can hardly think. I’m on the verge of becoming irrational and just quitting my job so I can keep him safe and well.

I’ve thought myself through all possible solutions to get him out of the petri dish of daycare. I’ve done the math a million different ways, and we just can’t afford for me or Kyle to be home full time. A nanny is too expensive. Even a nanny-share is too expensive. I haven’t been able to come up with a different work solution where I can be home and working either. We even talked with my dad about moving him back to Portland to care for Lewis.

Nothing works.

Ignoring my mommy-instincts is physically painful. My gut tells me that what is happening to Lewis isn’t okay. That I need to do something about it. I just can’t figure out what I can do.

But on some level… this feels like more than just a daycare-related problem. None of the other kids at daycare are sick like this all the time, and they’re exposed to the same germs. I have this nagging feeling that there is something more serious going on in my little boy’s body. Why can’t he get a break? Why can’t his body fight things off?