I hate how much I’ve been obsessing over Lewis’ health… but I can’t help it. Every waking moment – and even some sleeping moments – I am completely consumed by trying to figure out how to help my baby be well.

It doesn’t feel okay to me that he’s been constantly sick – without breaks – for over 6 months. 2 bouts of croup, 1 episode of bronchiolitis, 3 ear infections, 2 rounds of pink eye, stomach bug twice, and in between all of those? Your run-of-the-mill common cold. Even last week when he was “well”, he had a cold and was oozing snot. He was “well” by Lewis’ standards, not by normal standards. He literally hasn’t had one single day off of being sick since starting daycare.

With his diminished appetite that is accompanying this round of illness, I am sure he will lose weight again. He ate so little yesterday that my breasts were engorged all day (I have found relief through pumping at work today). And he wouldn’t eat a bite of solid foods, which are normally a huge hit even when his appetite is small.

Normally he begins to feel better after the first dose of antibiotics. Not this time. Yesterday, he cried all day long unless I was holding him. And he didn’t sleep well again last night. And this morning he still wouldn’t eat much. He is clearly still in pain.

My mommy-instincts are screaming at me to get him out of daycare and take care of him myself. Get him away from the germs. My mama-bear protective instincts are swirling so violently inside of me that I can hardly think. I’m on the verge of becoming irrational and just quitting my job so I can keep him safe and well.

I’ve thought myself through all possible solutions to get him out of the petri dish of daycare. I’ve done the math a million different ways, and we just can’t afford for me or Kyle to be home full time. A nanny is too expensive. Even a nanny-share is too expensive. I haven’t been able to come up with a different work solution where I can be home and working either. We even talked with my dad about moving him back to Portland to care for Lewis.

Nothing works.

Ignoring my mommy-instincts is physically painful. My gut tells me that what is happening to Lewis isn’t okay. That I need to do something about it. I just can’t figure out what I can do.

But on some level… this feels like more than just a daycare-related problem. None of the other kids at daycare are sick like this all the time, and they’re exposed to the same germs. I have this nagging feeling that there is something more serious going on in my little boy’s body. Why can’t he get a break? Why can’t his body fight things off?

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