A rare night waking. Made even more unusual by the full wardrobe change and sheet swap.

Hydrated kid.

I jinxed it. Kiddo didn’t drink hardly a drop of milk at daycare today and refused most food. He basically survived on a banana, some blueberries, and a pouch of pureed spaghetti and meatballs.

Dangit.

I am so proud of my little munchkin. I think he’s been doing a really good job of eating/drinking these past few days. I don’t know if it has made a difference in his weight gain, but I also don’t know what else we could possibly be doing. So I’m going to think positive and assume that we’re going to see a big weight gain at the ENT appointment next week.

And while I’m at it, maybe I should try some positive thinking about other things in my life. I am currently experiencing the “panic and try to change my entire life” extreme of my existential-crisis-continuum, and it is not a super healthy, happy place to be.

Since changing everything is a complete impossibility, I need to find my way back to a calmer spot on the continuum. I feel too antsy and dissatisfied when I’m in this place. It is a place of such desperation that I am distracted by trying to “solve” my way out of it, and that can only lead to bad decisions.

No good can come of this.

So what positive things can I focus on? Meal planning has led to more home-cooked meals, feeling healthier, and joint Kyle+Carolyn involvement in cooking. I have two really great girls working for me at the moment, and they make my job feel easier and less stressful simply because we work so well together. Lewis has been sleeping well and I feel rested. My little brother is coming home next week and that means extra family time. Tomorrow is Friday and I get to be with Lewis all day.

See? There are a lot of positives about the way my life is working right now. Why would I want to change everything? Silly Carolyn.

If you tell Lewis he did a “good job” at something, there is a 95% chance he’ll clap for himself.

This is particularly amusing when you pick him up from daycare and say things like, “you didn’t bite anyone today? Good job!!!” or “Two poops today? Good job!!!”

*clap clap clap*

That’s right, buddy. You’ve got the right idea. You do deserve a round of applause, not least from yourself. Everyone should be their own biggest cheerleader!

Lewis’ daycare teacher emailed some pictures of kiddo hanging out (aka sitting on) his best friend today. I melted from the adorable-ness, naturally.

Seeing Lewis interacting with other kids and making friends has me in such awe. It feels like a huge developmental milestone! Interaction with other people makes life what it is. The social aspect of his personality is coming out, so he’s no longer just a ball of baby-instincts… he’s a human!

The other day, I even saw him carry two balls over to another little boy at school, and hand him one of them. Then they both stood there next to each other just shaking their toys and giggling together.

I mean… COME ON. Too cute!

Also, P.S. Did you catch that? he shared a toy willingly and did not bite.

The kid has his first fat lip. He was walking on an obstacle-free wood floor and just ate it, face first. He was very sad, but a few songs from mommy and daddy’s arrival home from work fixed him right up.

Damn you, Old Navy. You suck me in with your amazing sale prices on baby clothes, and before I know it, you have all my money.

“But it’s only $5!!!”

Yea… it’s only $5 until you buy 6 of them.

And then throw in a few
$15 items because everything else you’re getting is so cheap, “you can
splurge” on “just these few things”. And while you’re at it… maybe a
new shirt for mom, too? Or 4?

I mean, really. How many clothes does one child need?

I’m weak!

This morning Lewis woke up early. Like… 5:15am early.

Zzzzzz <– me right now

But he was still pretty sleepy after I fed him, and we snuggled and rocked in the chair for about 30 minutes before going in and hanging out in the big bed with dad.

I just need to take a moment to relive the snuggles….

….

….

Ahhhh. What a way to start the day. He’s on the move so much nowadays, that even nursing him isn’t all that snuggly. It is more like a yoga session in my lap – Lewis gets lots of good poses in, and my nipples get a good stretch. So anytime he is content to just hang out in my arms or on my chest and smile at me and “chat”, I have to cherish it.

Weaning. I was so conflicted. But then we took step one, and I felt so good about it. I was almost excited about reducing more.

I wasn’t ready to completely stop, cold turkey… but I was ready for the weaning process. I was feeling good. I didn’t have an exact timeline, but I knew what path we were on.

Now, with Lewis’ weight a concern, I don’t know what path I’m on anymore.

What I do know is that Lewis still desperately needs me to breastfeed. I have been reflecting the past few days, and I’m even feeling a little unsure about our current “reduced” schedule. Maybe I just need to go back to all-in nursing?

I’m surprised at my feelings about increasing back to full-time breastfeeding. I don’t feel enthusiastic about the prospect at all – now that I’ve started reducing our schedule, I’ve really enjoyed the freedom of the longer breaks and Lewis’ decreased dependence on me.

But he isn’t less dependent on me, is he? I mean…
His 1 pound weight loss corresponded directly with the reduction in breastfeeding. The evidence is clear: he cannot get enough nutrition from solids and drinking cow’s milk or breastmilk from a cup or bottle yet. He has never thrived on the bottle/cup at daycare, and that has not changed.

The burden feels very heavy sometimes. Without cups/bottles and solids as a good, workable solution, I’m stuck. I think I have to keep breastfeeding full steam ahead. And even if I know that won’t last forever, I feel… I don’t know? Disappointed? I feel something about it, that’s for sure.

I worked so hard to wrap my mind around weaning, and it worked. I felt ready. Patient, but ready. And now I have to rewind – or at least push pause.

My breastfeeding journey has been emotional and confusing from day one. I’m sure that sentiment is typical of every woman’s journey, even if each person’s exact experience is different. This is just another part of the winding, emotional, evolving path Lewis and I are taking.

In order to get myself somewhat more enthusiastic about “pausing” weaning, I bought myself some new nursing tanks. My old ones were a) gigantic because I bought them when I was immediately postpartum, and b) ratty and disgusting because I’ve worn them every day for the last year+.

The new tanks feel great. It’s kind of working… There is something about clothes that fit that just makes you feel better about life. It is a small thing, and it doesn’t solve all my life’s problems, but at least it helps me feel a little more positive!

Teething sucks. I don’t know who designed this process, but they did not fully think it through. Or they hated sleep and humans.

Lewis is asleep. He clearly told us that he needed to go to bed early tonight. As loudly as he could.

Poor guy woke up twice last night and took his sweet time falling back asleep both times. But he woke up at 6:30am like usual, which meant several hours of sleep fewer than normal.

He did nap today, but his afternoon nap was only an hour instead of two.

The combination of the loss of sleep last night and the shortened nap really did him in. 6:45 bedtime works for me. I think I’ll turn in soon myself. Sooooo sleepy.

Oh my. Lewis has woken up not once, but twice tonight. Very sad boy both times. This is so unusual lately!!

This time I gave him tylenol, and a fresh diaper since he was already soaking wet (At least I know he’s hydrated!!!).

I’m wondering if he’s finally teething again. He has had 7 teeth for ages, and it has to happen again eventually. I’ll be keeping my eyes peeled for tooth #8 after this semi-rough night. Seems like a likely culprit!

The past few days of trying to fatten the kid up by getting him to eat things he doesn’t really like and can’t chew well enough to eat large enough quantities have gone so-so.

I feel like all we do is sit around trying to get him to eat or drink more milk. It’s quite a chore.

He is still breastfeeding great, so I’ve been offering him both breasts at our reduced schedule instead of one at a time. I think I’m going to have to do that because he just won’t drink more than an ounce or two of anything out of a cup, even though he does seem to enjoy the milk. He just loses interest.

I’m a vegetarian (or technically a pescetarian), but I believe that humans were made to eat meat, and for that reason children probably need it in order to grow and thrive. Therefore my kids will all be offered meat, and if they decide they’d like to be vegetarians someday, that’s OK. But until they’re old enough to make that decision and understand the deficiencies such a choice can cause (and therefore can thoughtfully substitute), they will be offered everything under the sun.

HOWEVER. I draw the line at pureed meat. Lewis can have whatever he wants, short of pureed meat. It is just too disgusting.

Kyle does not have the same boundaries as I do. So today, he put a pouch of pureed meat in the cart at the store. And because of the struggles with Lewis eating meat (he likes it, but it takes him 30 mins to get through 3 bites. It would take all day to get significant sustenance at that rate), I did not take the pouch back out. But I did tell Kyle that if Lewis was going to eat pureed meat, I sure as hell wasn’t feeding it to him.

Kyle rose to the challenge. And Lewis ate the whole damn thing for dinner. Along with half a pouch of pureed veggies, a ton of dehydrated strawberries, and an ounce of milk. Then an hour later, he had 2 boobs at bedtime.

Well shoot. Pureed meat might just be the answer. Dang. That grosses me right out.

2:30 pm and both my guys are sleeping – one in his bed (Lewis) and one on the couch (husband).

In order to avoid disturbing them, I am folding laundry and hiding in our bedroom. Strange sensation, to be alone in the quiet. I wish I had a glass of wine to go with the solitude. I think it is time to get a wine fridge by the bed.

The child had a doctor’s appointment yesterday afternoon to check his ears. They are looking improved but not 100% better after the antibiotics. But that’s no surprise. It’s all good, though. He doesn’t seem to be in pain, and we’re seeing the ENT in a couple weeks.

The real drama came when the doctor weighed him and he’d lost a pound since he was last in 2 weeks ago. A POUND in two weeks!!!! Even the doctor is concerned now, and suggested regular weigh-ins at the clinic if he still hasn’t gained anything by his ENT appointment.

After asking me a few questions about Lewis’ diet and diapers, the doctor said I should focus on adding in protein- and fat-rich foods. At that moment, I had a revelation – I have a good eater, but maybe I’m not feeding him the right things!

I had been so confused about why he wasn’t gaining weight – he eats and eats and eats! He’s such a good eater!!! Why oh why isn’t he gaining weight? Well… yes it’s true that he eats a ton. He eats pouches upon pouches of pureed veggies and fruits, fistfuls of cheerios, and blueberries and raspberries until he’s sticky from head to toe, and sometimes he sticks half a banana in his mouth at once (so cute with his chipmunk cheeks!).

But look at that list. Where is the protein? Where is the fat? It isn’t just that he’s eating, it is what he is eating.

Duh.

I was just too concerned about what kinds of nutrients he was getting, and was satisfied to just give him what he liked, and wasn’t focused enough on the fat and protein. I thought my breastmilk and the cow’s milk would do the heavy lifting on that front. My focus was too narrow, and I failed to look at the bigger picture. Thank the lord for a doctor who got through to me without making me feel attacked or guilty for not understanding such a basic concept earlier.

Armed with this revelation, we’re now going to try to get Lewis to eat more meat, cheese, yogurt, peanut butter, avocados, etc. And the doctor said to try to push more and more cow’s milk, since he isn’t actually drinking all that much.

Most of the high fat/protein foods on the list above are not Lewis’ favorites. They’ve all been offered, but the majority are things he does not eat willingly. So it will be a battle to get him interested. And while he loves cow’s milk, he doesn’t drink more than a couple ounces of it at a time.

For the milk battle, we’re on the hunt for a sippy cup that he loves, which also allows him to drink easily. We think we’ve found a winner in the Munchkin brand cups that work like normal grown-up cups (but are spill proof!!! Wizardry!). He seems to enjoy those the most, so we’ve got two more of them on the way with Amazon Prime.

I will also be sending him to daycare with more solid foods and fewer pouches, and sippy cups instead of bottles. The cups will be filled with a combo of breastmilk and cow’s milk, since the doctor said cow’s milk actually has more calories than breastmilk.

BUT I will not be changing our new breastfeeding schedule. I do not want to increase it because we need to continue to shift focus to cow’s milk and solid foods, and I don’t want to decrease it because with breastfeeding still in the picture, I know for sure that he’s getting some calories + fat + protein each day. It is quite obvious that solids + cow’s milk are unreliable sources of sustenance for him, and breastfeeding is still a hit. Breastfeeding provides a guaranteed baseline that I don’t think it would be wise to take away. So weaning is on hold, in the interest of keeping Lewis fed and healthy.

I had a lot of anxiety about what to feed a baby with few teeth, and it looks like that anxiety was warranted. I have not been doing it right, and I must make adjustments. The combination of Lewis’ preferences for low-calorie snacks and my cluelessness has clearly led us astray. But we’ve got a plan, and we’ll work it out.

I’m going to jinx it by writing this… but we’re coming up on a month straight of sleeping through the night. With the exception of a small handful of nights with 1 waking (sometimes extended), kiddo is sleeping for 10 hrs in a row most days.

Everyone always says “it won’t last forever”, but when you’re sleep deprived and frustrated, it really feels like the sleep deprivation will last forever. There’s a reason so many people say that, though… it’s because it’s true!

And we made it… Lewis has really turned a corner and I could not be more grateful.

Because he does still have occasional difficult nights, I still haven’t reached the point where I fully trust it. I still put myself to bed asap after getting him down, out of fear of how little sleep I would get if he were to wake up. I’m hoping that soon I’ll have some more faith in him so I can, I don’t know, watch a basketball game? But those end at 9:30 usually… and that’s pushing it. Haha!

My little vampire has been biting like crazy at school. He bites 1-3 kids per day out of frustration over sharing toys.

Ugh.

The daycare people are working on it. And eventually he’ll be old enough to understand that it isn’t okay. But for now, I just feel reaaaaaaally bad for the other kids (and their parents!).

I wish there was more we could do!

Lewis and I have settled into our new feeding schedule, and I am pleasantly surprised at how well it is going.

We cut about 2-3 feedings per day (depending on if he wakes up at night) and he hasn’t complained at all about the reduction! And it has been a breeze physically for me too!

I am feeling very lucky that both of us happened to be ready for this change at the same time. I have heard horror stories about weaning when mom and baby aren’t in sync about the timing, and I am so relieved to have avoided those kinds of issues so far.

This new routine is working really well for us for now, so I think we’ll stick with it for a while. I’m not sure when we’ll be ready for the next step in reducing breastfeeding/pumping, but I have a feeling the right time will reveal itself, and I’m not in a rush. I think when I see Lewis drinking larger quantities of cow’s milk more consistently, that will be a good sign that we can cut more nursing sessions.

I’m figuring this all out as we go, but I’m feeling less anxious about it now that the first step has gone so smoothly. Subsequent steps feel less scary now that I’ve got a little bit of this process behind me.

Sometimes I wonder how many total hours I’ve spent in the rocking chair… gotta be at least a week all together.

Remember my identity crisis? The one where I was trying to figure out how to change something in my life so it works better for me/the mom I want to be? Well, the struggle is still ongoing. But today I think I had a breakthrough.

I swing back and forth between feeling absolutely desperate to change something major (like my job), and feeling like my current life situation (especially the job portion) is so flexible and accommodating that I am just plain grateful.

And of course, I have in-between days where I manage to avoid the extremes and just contemplate trying a new hobby or making a new friend instead of tipping my world upside down…

But back to today. I wrote a blog entry for work. This is something I’ve done on occasion over the years, but it had been a while. I also wrote content for an informational flyer for our sales team to use. Essentially, I spent the whole day writing.

The breakthrough: I love to write. This blog has been a wonderful personal outlet for that part of me, but it was sure nice to spend the day writing on a professional level as well. If I could switch things up, I think I’d want to find a way to earn money as a writer.

The catch? I have no official credentials. And my professional writing experience is limited.

So we’ll keep the professional status quo for now, since there isn’t anything wrong with what I’m doing, and I basically enjoy it most days. For now, I’ll keep contemplating other, smaller ways to change my life for the better. But I’m going to keep my eyes peeled for opportunities to write for a living.

I feel very satisfied having understood myself a little more deeply today. Even if I never get to pursue writing professionally, I know myself better today than I did yesterday. And that’s pretty cool.

Poor Lewis had a tough time going to sleep last night. He woke up very sad a few times and didn’t go to sleep for the night until 10:30pm. He slept straight through after that, but it was definitely tough to get him down.

I think it might have been because he was hot? It was almost 90 out yesterday, and maybe we didn’t set the AC to a level that was comfortable for him to sleep.

Or maybe he was gassy.

Or teething.

It’s so hard to tell when he can’t tell us anything! I’m just glad he got some sleep in the end.

Decided on a financial step: bye bye Blue Apron deliveries.

We’ll get our last one tomorrow, and then we’re on our own. I’m not terribly sad about this loss. I’d been pondering cancelling for a while. It has been fun, but we were already skipping a lot of deliveries due to the complexity of some of the recipes, and the lack of time in our lives to dedicate to cooking. And it looks like it is easy to restart deliveries if we ever feel like we can afford it again!

After the last clothing delivery, I also decreased my frequency of Stitch Fix deliveries to once every other month. I may decrease it even further two once every 3 months, but Stitch Fix is harder to imagine parting with. It is such a special luxury, and I don’t have a lot of those.

Anyway… we’ll figure this out. We always do.

I’m stuck. Not sure what to do.

We’ve got medical bills coming out our ears. We’re still paying off both the hospital and my doctor for Lewis’ birth, plus we’ve got the pediatrician bills stacking up from all of Lewis’ various illnesses, and the dentist’s bill for Kyle’s implants last year. And with hefty bills from the ENT anticipated to arrive soon… well, there is just no end in sight.

Normally, I just rustle up the money each month for each payment from our HSA account, and quietly go about my business. We’ve got “enough” for our monthly payments, so there’s no need to dwell.

But today I paid the dentist a monthly payment, and got an earful about how long it will take us to pay it off, and how they need us to pay it all off sooner because technically they don’t have monthly payment plans. Well that’s news to me… and the lecture made me feel like crap.

We’re maxed out on medical bills, and they want us to pay more. I get it. Really, I do. Of course they want us to pay. And they couldn’t possibly know how strapped we are. I want to pay them and make them happy, but I’m just not sure how to pay more when we don’t have more.

We do have a small savings account, which we use as back up (more frequently than I’d like to admit). I’m wondering if sitting on that savings account is not really the right thing to do right now. Maybe we need to wipe away a few of our medical bills with it instead? And build the savings account back up later? Or maybe we should pay some bills off with a credit card?

Ugh… just having one of those moments where you feel like you’re doing your very best, and it isn’t enough. I hate feeling that way. You can’t really do better than your best… but people need you to. Nothing like feeling inadequate on a Monday morning to get the week started off right.

Bernie for president, anyone? Seriously… our healthcare system is messed up. I give birth to a baby, I make sure said baby gets all the medical attention he needs, and my husband gets his mouth fixed… all things we should be doing without hesitation, and somehow we end up financially ruined. That’s not right. We need someone in power in this country who will do something about this. Because lord knows I can’t fix it myself. Otherwise, I would have.

The casual walks around the house are becoming more frequent. If kiddo wants to be somewhere else, there’s a 50/50 chance it’ll be walking instead of crawling to get him there.

Kyle witnessed it for the first time this morning, and his reaction is about the same as mine: “oh hey! He’s walking!”

Haha so cool. Our little tiny man.

I just witnessed the child stand up without something to pull himself up on and then casually walk across the room.

Like it was no big deal.

I mean… he does these things separately, and when prompted. But the combo unprompted? Yea… that was new.

He was so nonchalant about it that I think he was annoyed that I clapped and said good job from the other room. Like, “ugh. Mom. Leave me alone. I’m playing and your cheering is interrupting.”