I’ve decided to cut back my pumping at work. I’ll still pump twice a day, but I’ll only do one breast at a time instead of both.

I’m hoping that this is a first step which works for my body and for Lewis, but I’m feeling pretty anxious about it. I’m trying to figure out what is scaring me about this, but so far I haven’t been able to tap into myself enough to understand it. I’m sure I’ll get there soon.

The only immediate problem I’ll need to solve is how to have enough milk to send with Lewis to daycare if I cut back on pumping. He needs 9 oz of milk at daycare at this point. So what if I only pump out 6 at work, for example? I have a few possibilities:

1. I could thaw 3 oz of milk from the freezer to supplement the 6 oz I’ve pumped during the day. The problem with this is that most of the bags aren’t portioned out in 3 oz servings. The bags usually have enough for an entire day, and once I thaw a bag, it must be used within 24 hours. However, there are a few small portions in there that I could start using up. And anything I freeze from here on out could be portioned in 3oz servings.
2. I could freeze all of what I’ve pumped during the day and pull out a whole bag from the freezer. 6 oz into the freezer, 9 oz out of the freezer. A good way to slowly go through my frozen supply?
3. I could just add some cow’s milk into the pumped breastmilk to fill it out to 9 oz.

I imagine I’ll probably use some kind of hybrid mix of the three options above. What a confusing time for me.

I think I will just have to keep repeating to myself, “The child will be fed no matter what you do”, because that’s both true and important. How I do this is meaningless as long as the child is fed.

Moooooo

Lewis tried cow’s milk for the first time on Friday, and he loved it. I have heard of kids resisting it for various reasons, so I was prepared for a challenge. But no such challenge presented itself! I was unprepared for the feelings that would come along with watching him enjoy cow’s milk so much.

My first feeling was relief – both that he liked it without a battle, and that there was another source of calories, protein, calcium, folic acid, and vitamin D that wasn’t my milk. The pressure is off.

My second feeling was confusion – how will the introduction of cow’s milk impact breastfeeding? Are we going to drastically drop off immediately? Will I be able to achieve the slow transition I want? What will I do with all the breastmilk in the freezer? What should my pumping schedule at work be? If we go down to breastfeeding only in mornings and evenings, will my milk dry up and then we won’t even be able to do that anymore? If we can’t do mornings and evenings, how will I know that he’s going to bed with a full tummy? How will we get through diaper changes and getting dressed in the morning when he’s so hungry that he is screaming?

So much of Lewis’ and my relationship revolves around breastfeeding. And so much of my identity as his mom is tied up in full-time nursing. I’m not sure how to scale back. I’ve only ever done it all-in, and I just don’t really know how it works to slow down. I guess I understand on some level that my body will figure it out, because it always does. But I am a very controlling person, and I’ve got “all-in” dialed in. Surrendering the control over my milk supply is pretty uncomfortable for me. I hope I can turn off my brain and let things just happen.

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Medicine

Oh, Lewis. Why have you suddenly started spitting out your antibiotics? My formerly enthusiastic Amoxicillin-taker has developed a habit of spitting out every last drop this time around. Thanks to “reloading” after Lewis rejects an entire dose, we’re going through the bottle of antibiotics at about double the pace we’re supposed to. It was so bad that I even had to call the doctor on Saturday evening to ask what we should do.

We’ve been instructed to call the doc
for further instructions

if we run out of meds before the 10 day cycle is up. And even though he spat out the first 5 doses (before we figured out that mixing it with baby food would work), we are supposed to count those days in the 10 day cycle.

Now we’re just waiting for the ENT to call us to set up an appointment to talk about tubes. And we have a follow-up ear check next week to see if the meds worked.

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Party Aftermath

Lewis’ party on Saturday was lovely. My mom cooked most of the food (I helped a very little bit), and she baked the cupcakes. Everything was delicious!!! All we wanted was a small family gathering with lunch, cupcakes and presents for kiddo – and that’s exactly what we got. It was more about the grown-ups celebrating than about having a “kid’s party”, since Lewis won’t remember anything. Future years, when Lewis has opinions and friends, will be more kid-oriented.

Lewis did an amazing job keeping his cool at the party. We timed the party between naps, and even with all the stimulation and a slightly longer gap between naps than he is used to, he was so well-behaved. I was thrilled and relieved because it meant that we were all able to enjoy the company and our meals without too much trouble.

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New Car Seat

Lewis got a new “big boy” car seat from my mom and her husband for his birthday. We’re very happy and relieved to have it because now we know he is safe in a properly sized car seat. He was just too tall for the infant seat (although he was well within weight limits… no surprise there).

Kyle installed the seat in my car yesterday, which actually was pretty easy. And this morning on the way to daycare, kiddo seemed to like his new ride. He giggled and kicked the seat the whole way!