Hanging in the Balance

Weaning. I was so conflicted. But then we took step one, and I felt so good about it. I was almost excited about reducing more.

I wasn’t ready to completely stop, cold turkey… but I was ready for the weaning process. I was feeling good. I didn’t have an exact timeline, but I knew what path we were on.

Now, with Lewis’ weight a concern, I don’t know what path I’m on anymore.

What I do know is that Lewis still desperately needs me to breastfeed. I have been reflecting the past few days, and I’m even feeling a little unsure about our current “reduced” schedule. Maybe I just need to go back to all-in nursing?

I’m surprised at my feelings about increasing back to full-time breastfeeding. I don’t feel enthusiastic about the prospect at all – now that I’ve started reducing our schedule, I’ve really enjoyed the freedom of the longer breaks and Lewis’ decreased dependence on me.

But he isn’t less dependent on me, is he? I mean…
His 1 pound weight loss corresponded directly with the reduction in breastfeeding. The evidence is clear: he cannot get enough nutrition from solids and drinking cow’s milk or breastmilk from a cup or bottle yet. He has never thrived on the bottle/cup at daycare, and that has not changed.

The burden feels very heavy sometimes. Without cups/bottles and solids as a good, workable solution, I’m stuck. I think I have to keep breastfeeding full steam ahead. And even if I know that won’t last forever, I feel… I don’t know? Disappointed? I feel something about it, that’s for sure.

I worked so hard to wrap my mind around weaning, and it worked. I felt ready. Patient, but ready. And now I have to rewind – or at least push pause.

My breastfeeding journey has been emotional and confusing from day one. I’m sure that sentiment is typical of every woman’s journey, even if each person’s exact experience is different. This is just another part of the winding, emotional, evolving path Lewis and I are taking.

In order to get myself somewhat more enthusiastic about “pausing” weaning, I bought myself some new nursing tanks. My old ones were a) gigantic because I bought them when I was immediately postpartum, and b) ratty and disgusting because I’ve worn them every day for the last year+.

The new tanks feel great. It’s kind of working… There is something about clothes that fit that just makes you feel better about life. It is a small thing, and it doesn’t solve all my life’s problems, but at least it helps me feel a little more positive!

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