The kid did stay asleep, and then I had to wake him up to take him to school. Always my least favorite thing to do…

And he isn’t the only one who wasn’t ready to get up this morning. *yawn*

In addition to teething, we have a second theory about the kid. We think he might be having a growth spurt! (woooo!)

He refused his morning nap yesterday by screaming and thrashing around. Once I had tried everything else, I figured he might be hungry (I thought I might have heard his tummy rumble… but who knows. He was screaming awfully loud). Instead of whipping out the boobies, since I’m trying so desperately to stop doing that, I took him downstairs for a snack. Well, a snack was not enough. The kid ended up eating a full-blown, gigantic meal. And then he was happy and the screaming didn’t come back. So… yea… he was very, very hungry. No wonder he couldn’t sleep!

Side note: we may also just be going down to 1 nap a day.

And last night’s waking was violent and loud as well. I was trying to keep my boobs in my shirt, but ultimately offered them to kiddo out of desperation after trying everything else. Then he fell asleep. Was it the boob effect? Or was he just starving?

Based upon the recent general spike in his appetite, I’d go with starving. He has been eating and eating and eating and eating!!! So maybe – just maybe – we’re finally putting the weight gain problem behind us. MAYBE. I am looking forward to his 15 month appointment in July to get an official weigh-in. I bet you he has packed on a few pounds and grown a couple inches. All this food has to be going somewhere!!!

YAY LEWIS!!

We must be dealing with teething. There is no other explanation for the severe lack of sleep. Lewis keeps waking frequently, screaming, and staying awake for hours.

I have always said I don’t mind waking up once a night, as long as it isn’t for hours on end. But that’s exactly what is happening lately…. and I’m pooped!

I just don’t know what the kid needs. Tylenol helps a little, but he’s had some and he is still awake and angry. If it is teething, it’s molar time. So maybe tylenol just dulls the pain instead of taking it away entirely?

I’ve tried singing, rocking, bouncing, new diaper, playing lullabies on my phone, swaying, rubbing his back, rubbing his belly, stroking his hair, holding him a million ways, shushing, and as a very last resort I have even let him have night feedings back (sigh… when will we be done breastfeeding??).

He still screams.

And then somewhere between 1 and 3 hours after he initially wakes up, he zonks for a couple hours until it is time to start screaming again.

Silver lining in all of this: I have gotten better at keeping my temper under control. How? By reminding myself to practice empathy, and that he is in pain and needs me – it isn’t about how I feel about being awake, it is about helping him with what is clearly distressing to him.

It is very challenging when he is thrashing around so badly I can hardly hold onto him and screaming so badly he turns purple… but I have manged to avoid getting super tense, swearing, and crying for the most part. I wish I could say that staying more relaxed and focused on him has helped kiddo fall back asleep quicker, but that would be a lie. But at least I don’t feel like such a terrible parent for cussing in my frustration. It is a small victory… but an important one.

On that note, it has been an hour and a half this time around, and I think he’s asleep. Please wish me luck with the crib transfer. He looks like such a peaceful angel now that he is asleep, and he really needs the rest. Stay asleep, little buddy.

We all know – or could at least guess – that Lewis waking up screaming at 4am is not my favorite thing.

But when the screaming fades and he falls asleep… and then full-on belly laughs in his sleep, it’s all good.

That made me feel things in my soul that there are no words to describe.

Now that we are breastfeeding very infrequently, nap time routines have changed drastically. Today the screaming won’t stop unless kiddo can snuggle with his hot pink sippy cup.

My left breast is faring much worse than my right. It is currently as big as the earth, with my nipple leaking like an active volcano.

So I had to hook up the pump again for some additional relief. I would say that reducing to one feed per day is not going smoothly so far.

Man… I’m beginning to think that there should be classes offered on weaning in addition to classes for breastfeeding. Or maybe people should just talk about this more so it isn’t so damn confusing and hard for first-timers.

Or maybe it should be part of some glorious lactation package where you get a dedicated consultant that you meet with a bunch when the baby is first born, every month or two the entire time you are breastfeeding, and then a bunch when you’re weaning. Some expert support would be helpful!

If I had someone like that in my life, I could leave my poor mother alone and stop texting her questions like, “what happens to milk that doesn’t come out? where does it go? does my body reabsorb it?” and random texts like, “my poor left boob” or “wow… women’s bodies are neato”.

P.S. my “poor left boob” is recovering nicely after a quick 1 oz pumping session. How can so very little milk cause so very much discomfort? …maybe I should text my mom to ask.

Weaning is hard. Sometimes literally. Like this morning at work when my breasts turned into rocks.

I skipped Lewis’ morning feeding in favor of a cup of milk, under the hope that I could cut out morning feedings entirely and go to a one-feeding-a-day schedule. Lewis munched on some freeze-dried strawberries (hands down his favorite food), and downed his cup of milk like a champion. He even drank half a refill! My boobs seemed fine until mid-morning… then ouch.

I was disappointed. I’m ready to wean. I even went so far as to try on bras yesterday at Target during my lunch break. I didn’t buy any, because my pancake-boobies deserve better than Target bras once weaning is over, but it just goes to show you how desperate I am to be done with breastfeeding.

I really miss bras.

Anyway… I set up my pump and got to it. The plan going into it was to only pump until the discomfort was relieved. I figured that would mean 2-3 oz each breast.

HUZZAH! I’m further along in the weaning process than I thought! I pumped 1 oz per breast and could no longer feel rock hard milk ducts in either breast. So I called it quits, and now I’m hoping I can make it to Lewis’ bed time.

I did manage to remember breast pads for both breasts this morning. So I’m protected if my plan goes sideways.

So hopeful that I’ll be able to cut the morning feeding/pumping completely within the next couple days. Go, body, GO!

The dreaded call from daycare… ugh.

“If your kid bites one more kid today, you’re going to have to come get him. Just a heads up.”

Thanks. Thanks so much. *facepalm*

I did it. I survived yesterday.

At the end of the workday, I stopped at Trader Joe’s to pick up some dried mangoes, and the cashier asked me if I had any fun plans for the rest of the day. I was able to honestly answer, “I’m going to go pick up my kid from daycare, which is always the best part of my day!”

What a shift from the morning “good riddance” drop-off!

I also lifted my spirits by donating all of my freezer breastmilk to a mama in need. She put out a call for donor milk on one of the Facebook mama groups I’m in, and I thought, “gee… she needs it. Lewis doesn’t. And I had a crappy day and doing something nice for someone else will make me feel better.”

This woman has a premature baby in the NICU. The little angel was born at 4.5 lbs, and dropped to 3 lbs. He’s on his way back up now, but she felt strongly that she wanted to give him breastmilk instead of formula, and her body isn’t producing well since she doesn’t have real-life baby sucks to stimulate her. Sometimes the pump just doesn’t cut it! Anyway… off I went with my cooler full of breastmilk. It wasn’t much. Maybe 60 oz or so? But that will get her started, and it sounded like another mama of a newborn was going to be her ongoing supplier.

What an amazing sisterhood. The shared experience of motherhood means you aren’t strangers, really. If a fellow mama needs help, it doesn’t matter if you don’t know each other, because you know each other.

In the end, it worked. I felt much better after dropping off my milk. It was soul cleansing and rewarding. And since I made it the whole day without pumping yesterday (wooo!) and also got rid of my storage, Lewis went to school today with cups of cow milk (mooo!). What a grown up!

Upon discovering that my tired brain forgot my breast pump parts, I was faced with a decision: a) try to go the entire day without pumping, b) go buy pump parts, or c) go home, where the pump parts live.

Option B seems dumb, because I’m almost done breastfeeding. I suppose I could justify the purchase by saying “I’ll use these with the next kid”. But I really would rather save the money.

Option C means I’d have to pick up the kid from daycare and take him home with me, since driving back to daycare later this afternoon makes zero sense. But having him home with me while I’m working AND have no fuse seems like an irresponsible choice.

So Option A it is!

Once I arrived at that conclusion, I realized I might need breast pads for leaks. No problem, I thought. I put those in my shirt this morning, since I wanted to be prepared for the longer stretches between pumps anyway.

No, Carolyn. You did not put in breast pads. You put in breast pad. As in one, singular, solitary breast pad. Where is the other breast pad, you might wonder? Probably next to my sink, where I left it when my oblivious, tired self wandered away this morning to chase after the tiny tyrant.

Half protected and breasts bulging does not sound safe. ENTER: panty liners! I now have one stuck to the inside of my nursing tank, and I feel ridiculous. But also clever.

We spend so much of our time getting excited about Lewis’ firsts, that sometimes monumental things in our lives get ignored. Well, today I had a first that I’m not super proud of.

For the first time ever, I felt relieved to be rid of Lewis when I dropped him off at daycare.

And I wasn’t happy about leaving him there because it was good for him or he’d have fun. It was because I was so sick of him and his shenanigans this morning that I couldn’t even stand his presence anymore.

I’ve had frustrating moments in the last 13+ months of being Lewis’ mom. Shoot, I have them daily. And my patience is tested constantly, because parenting is just hard sometimes. But I have never before thought to myself, “I can’t even stand to look at my child right now”… until today.

Wow. That’s not easy to say. But I am sharing because I don’t think I’m alone here. I think this happens to moms (and dads!) all the time, but we’re not supposed to admit it.

I think we’re all scared to talk about these moments for fear that people will think we’re bad parents for thinking such things about our children. But I know I’m not a bad mom. I actually know I’m a great mom! Most of the time, I think I’m exactly the mom Lewis needs, and that’s pretty cool. But today I was a tired, angry, frustrated mom. And that doesn’t take away from the 10 billion other moments when I’m the happiest woman on earth, simply because I’m lucky enough to be Lewis’ mom.

Today has not started off well. I was frustrated with my kid, I was frustrated when my foot got stuck in the leg of my pants for a fraction of a second, I was frustrated when my bag of pretzels that I had for breakfast wouldn’t open, I was even frustrated when it took me two attempts to type my computer password. And I’m so tired that I completely forgot to bring my pump parts to work for my breast pump (still not sure what I’m going to do about that one…).

But you guys… I’m still a good mom. Even if I am angry at the world today and my fuse isn’t just short, but already burnt all the way to the end, I’m still doing a good job, because I’m doing my best.

It doesn’t matter that I dropped Lewis off at daycare and muttered to myself, “good riddance”. Because that’s just part of it sometimes. And this afternoon, I’ll be thrilled to pick him up because I will have missed him all day long.

You’d think that after more than a year of irregular sleep, I’d be immune to the frustration.

But I’m not. Lewis woke me up at 4:40, and has still not gone back to sleep. My alarm is set to go off in 20 minutes.

I am so frustrated that I’m on the verge of tears. I just know that I’m going to get him back to sleep just in time to have to wake him up to take him to daycare. And my shot at getting enough sleep is gone.

Somehow I have to function at work while I’m this tired. It’s unbelievable that this kind of fatigue isn’t justification for your world to stop. You are just supposed to keep going.

And my poor baby. He’s going to be so damn tired at school. He won’t get the rest he needs, and that makes me feel like a bad mom. How can I possibly get him up from his much-needed slumber just to take him to daycare? Why can’t I provide him with a different life, where his sleep isn’t dictated by my schedule?

And that’s today’s confession of mommyhood. Keeping it real, folks. This shit isn’t always fun or easy.

Big boy has a pillow in his bed now. Mama made a couple pillowcases. Here’s one of them!

The first nap time without the boob arrived. I decided to keep with the pattern from yesterday and skip breastfeeding before kiddo’s second nap. The difference this time was that I was actually home for it.

I brought a cup of milk and we settled in the rocking chair. Kiddo chugged and snuggled.

It took a while, and eventually I had to hide the empty cup of milk so he’d stop asking for it, but I got the kid to sleep without the boob.

It’s just a small thing. He hadn’t typically been nursing to sleep anyway. More often he’d nurse and then chill for a while before falling asleep. But I’m still proud of us. This is a moment! A new phase for us!

I do hope he has a full enough belly. I’m struggling a little with that part of it… but I know I’m being silly. I should just be proud of us. Go team!

I only breastfed Lewis twice today!!!!!!!!

Morning feeds have been gone for a while, but we’ve been doing 3 times a day – before naps and bedtime.

Well I decided to be away from home for nap #2. I had fun things to do. And I didn’t feel like pumping either… so Kyle did nap time and I had fun. And my boobs survived it without any discomfort!

Amazing. Before you know it, we’ll be down to once a day. And then we’ll be done.

Remember when I used to nurse him between 8 and 12 times a day? Phew. I’m tired just thinking about it. Hehe.

My little piggy ate a huge breakfast this morning. I feel like my level of pride associated with watching him stuff his face is bizarre.

I also keep waiting for him to lose his appetite again. Like this can’t be real. But he keeps doing great, day after day. So it must not be a fluke after all!

Keep proving me wrong, kiddo. I’m loving this.

Ever since Kyle’s mom performed miracles, Lewis has been eating a lot better. I think she fixed him!

With his increased appetite comes decreased anxiety for this mama. I have no idea if he has gained any weight, but there is a good chance he will soon, if he hasn’t already. The way he’s eaten this week has been very reassuring!

He has been learning to use a fork and a spoon, he has figured out all his sippy cups, and he can suck from a pouch without squeezing it everywhere. I think he’s enjoying the independence of feeding himself in so many different ways, and that is helping him to eat more.

No matter what is happening on the scale right now, I’m very proud of him. The improvement in overall food/milk consumption along with learning new ways to feed himself just have me in awe. He is constantly changing and learning, even if sometimes his physical growth is stalled.

A month and a half until our next official weigh in at his 15 month appointment. I can hardly wait for the day!

Last night Kyle and I attended a birthday party for my mom. It was so fun and special, and the food was delicious. The party spanned Lewis’ bedtime, so we arranged for Kyle’s mother to babysit so that we could enjoy the evening without having to rush home.

Despite our faith in Kyle’s mother as a caregiver, I was plagued by mommy-guilt for leaving, due to Lewis’ physical (breastfeeding) and emotional attachments to me, especially around bedtime. I was pretty nervous. I knew he’d have fun because he loves his Grammy, but I was skeptical about how much he’d eat, and I was dead certain that he would freak out when he realized that I wasn’t going to be putting him to bed and he wouldn’t be getting the boob.

Well, I was worrying for nothing. Miracles occurred at our house last night. Grammy got Lewis to eat more in one sitting than he typically eats in an entire day. He had a pouch of meat-goo (yuck), fistfuls of freeze-dried strawberries, half a greek yogurt, a ton of goldfish crackers, some chicken, some quinoa salad with veggies, and eight ounces of milk.

EIGHT OUNCES!!!!!! This kid, who normally drinks two ounces a sitting if you’re lucky, drank 8 ounces of milk during dinner and leading up to bedtime. Miracle number one.

Miracle number two: Grammy got kiddo to sleep in under 10 minutes, without him crying. She said he whimpered a little when he realized that she was going to be putting him to bed and his mama wasn’t there. But then he just… fell asleep.

MIRACLES.

Of course, he woke up around 1am and stayed awake for 2 hours. Lucky mama. But I am still over-the-moon thrilled that he did so well without me at bedtime. And his mealtime performance was unmatched!

I’m so grateful that we were able to attend my mom’s party, and I am so relieved to know that leaving Lewis in someone else’s hands at bedtime isn’t automatically a recipe for disaster anymore. That, combined with cutting breastfeeding out of our lives, feels like a bucket of freedom. The physical and emotional ties are not as strong as they were, and the guilt of leaving him with a sitter is evaporating.

Whether I like it or not (and for the record, I do), breastfeeding is coming to an end for me and Lewis. It’s happening.

He almost quit cold turkey on me over the weekend, which was alarming (and painful). But he got back on the nursing-train at bedtime. I can sometimes convince him at nap time, and if I catch him when he is still groggy in the morning, I can sneak a little boob-snack when he wakes up.

Basically, if he is too tired to be interested in anything else, he’ll go for the boobs.

Since his nursing strike started, my breasts have really reacted. I pumped both breasts briefly twice today at work, and got only 6 oz total. At the height of breastfeeding, I could get that (or more!!!) out of one breast in one sitting. It seems that even if Lewis showed interest in restarting, I’m already pretty far down the weaning path, and there may be no turning back.

I’m still having mixed feelings. I’m very excited to be done breastfeeding for a whole host of reasons (wearing a bra again! not having to rush home because my child and I are physically bound! not wrestling a toddler into position!), but those pesky weight-gain concerns just won’t go away – both for him and for me.

I have already gained back a couple pounds through reduced breastfeeding (but no reduced appetite!), and I’m nervous I’ll have trouble regulating my eating back to pre-pregnancy levels. I have sustained Lewis’ life with my body for nearly two years through pregnancy and nursing, and that has required a lot of extra calories! I hardly remember what it is like to have to skip dessert!

But that problem is trivial compared to my concerns for Lewis’ weight. Kyle is also concerned, but is managing to be the voice of reason as well. He said something that I thought was wise the other day: Lewis may lose some more weight after weaning completely before he figures out life without the breast. But that’s okay because we’re doing the best we can offering him everything he needs. If he chooses to stop breastfeeding, there is nothing we can do to force him to keep going. But eventually his molars will come in and he’ll have the equipment to help him enjoy more foods, he’ll figure out how drink enough milk, and he’ll grow.

So every time I get scared, I think about what Kyle said. He might lose some weight during the transition. He just might. But the transition won’t be long, and we just have to continue to do our best to encourage him to eat and drink. He’ll get it. He’s a smart boy.

All this means that I am going to actively try to reduce my milk supply. I’d like to be completely dry within a couple weeks, but we’ll see how it goes. I’m not the only person involved in this decision, so I’ll be paying attention to Lewis’ cues as well, and between the two of us, a schedule will make itself clear.

I just had to wake Lewis up so we could head out the door to school/work. He was super mad at me.

I wish I could say that revenge felt sweet, but since he’s my baby… well… it just felt rotten.

It isn’t just me that didn’t get enough sleep. And while he may have been the one who ruined sleep for both of us, he is still tired, and it felt so wrong to wake him. My poor guy.

I told Kyle I would be quitting my job today just so I could take a nap. But I think an equally good reason would be so I didn’t have to wake Lewis up in the morning after a rough night. He should get to sleep as much as his little body needs.

I swear, some nights this kid is trying to kill me.

My patience is stretched and I am dead tired after 3 wakings. The current waking is going on 2 hours and I am at a loss.

I wish he had words to tell me what is happening so we could fix it and go the f*** to sleep.

Excuse me. I told you my patience was waning. I wasn’t joking.

During Lewis’ nap today, Kyle and I went through some bins of clothes we packed back when I was pregnant and right before we moved. They were things we thought we’d still want someday when a) the weather got warm again, or b) my body “bounced back”.

Well, Kyle kept about half the stuff and realized that after all this time, he didn’t want the rest after all.

And I… well… let’s just say that even after having lost the pregnancy weight  (although I’ve gained a couple pounds back with the reduced breastfeeding), my body is nothing like it used to be. Even my arms are forever changed, thanks to lugging around a 20+ pound kid and a diaper bag everywhere. And let’s not even talk about my thighs and breasts! Phew!

Needless to say, almost everything I packed away from pre-pregnancy had to go. Goodbye size 4 jeans, goodbye short skirts, goodbye medium t-shirts…. just goodbye.

I thought it would be harder than it was. I thought I’d feel terrible about “losing my body”. But it wasn’t that bad! I actually feel better in a way. Sure, I wish I could turn some of those mediums into larges because the clothes were still cute, but I didn’t feel like I was kissing a better version of myself goodbye.

I may not be 100% used to what I see in the mirror. And I definitely don’t always – or even usually – like my body. But I’m so happy with my new life that I can be happy in spite of all that. The size on the tags just isn’t the most important thing anymore.

So my old clothes from my old life got tossed in the bathtub, ready to be bagged up and taken to goodwill. They’re a reminder of a happy time, but also of the fact that I’m even happier now without my tiny clothes and my tiny body. And cleaning out your closet can sometimes feel like you’re cleaning out your soul. Today, that’s exactly how I felt.

Here is the child with his half-haircut! Pretty rough, but still a cutie pie!

Kyle and I attempted to give Lewis a haircut this evening.

Kyle and I ended up stressed and mad,  and Lewis got a half a haircut, barfed a little, and crashed head first into the mirror. But he looks pretty cute anyway.

And bonus – no one ended up bleeding!

Got the suggestion from a friend in Germany to try shot glasses for drinking milk. Because what are shot glasses if not baby sized cups?

Well, Lewis thinks it is the best thing ever. But boy is it messy!!!

This morning’s breastfeeding session is sponsored by “If you Give a Mouse a Cookie”.

Lewis would not drink a drop unless he was holding that book.

Today should have been a bad day, based on how it started out. A night and a morning full of screaming baby meant I was exhausted.

But I’m so full up. I got to snuggle my baby, play with my baby, and rock him to sleep every night waking, every nap, and now at bedtime.

Sure, I worked too… but I live for the days I’m home with the kid.

The final cherry on top of my happiness sundae is Lewis going to sleep without tylenol this evening, no screaming, snuggled in my arms, and seeing him smile in his sleep. He even let out a little happy giggle.

My heart is so full.

Kiddo took 5 hours worth of naps today. I finally had to wake him up from his second nap for fear he would sleep so late bedtime wouldn’t happen.

Needless to say, that much sleeping didn’t leave much time for eating. And when he was awake, eating went terribly.

Enter the sippy cup pictured above with my Skinny-mini. We have 10 million sippy cups. We’ve been trying so hard to figure out what the trick is with this kid. We’ve spent so much money on the search for the right sippy cups I could cry.

But I would spend a million dollars if that’s what it took to find the ones to get kiddo to drink enough to grow.

…and it kinda feels like that is what I’m doing. I just ordered two more of those cups. Bring on the weight gain!!!

Something is hurting my child. I am at a loss as to what, but he has been screaming and miserable most of his waking hours – and boy have there been a lot of those…

He’s currently snoozing in my arms after screaming for an hour straight. His second waking of the night, which is a highly unusual occurrence.

Bedtime, 1st waking, and 2nd waking all ended with tylenol, which led to the screaming stopping. He wakes up as soon as it wears off. I have not been able to bring myself to Google what the effects of daily tylenol use are on a child.

I’m not sure if I should be taking him to the doctor to try to identify the source of the pain. It could be that the molars are making their first move, which would be a silly thing to go to the doctor for. But if it was something else, I’d feel terrible for minimizing it to avoid looking dumb at the doctor’s.

I need to think on it. Maybe some sleep will bring some clarity. My poor brain is exhausted.