We spend so much of our time getting excited about Lewis’ firsts, that sometimes monumental things in our lives get ignored. Well, today I had a first that I’m not super proud of.
For the first time ever, I felt relieved to be rid of Lewis when I dropped him off at daycare.
And I wasn’t happy about leaving him there because it was good for him or he’d have fun. It was because I was so sick of him and his shenanigans this morning that I couldn’t even stand his presence anymore.
I’ve had frustrating moments in the last 13+ months of being Lewis’ mom. Shoot, I have them daily. And my patience is tested constantly, because parenting is just hard sometimes. But I have never before thought to myself, “I can’t even stand to look at my child right now”… until today.
Wow. That’s not easy to say. But I am sharing because I don’t think I’m alone here. I think this happens to moms (and dads!) all the time, but we’re not supposed to admit it.
I think we’re all scared to talk about these moments for fear that people will think we’re bad parents for thinking such things about our children. But I know I’m not a bad mom. I actually know I’m a great mom! Most of the time, I think I’m exactly the mom Lewis needs, and that’s pretty cool. But today I was a tired, angry, frustrated mom. And that doesn’t take away from the 10 billion other moments when I’m the happiest woman on earth, simply because I’m lucky enough to be Lewis’ mom.
Today has not started off well. I was frustrated with my kid, I was frustrated when my foot got stuck in the leg of my pants for a fraction of a second, I was frustrated when my bag of pretzels that I had for breakfast wouldn’t open, I was even frustrated when it took me two attempts to type my computer password. And I’m so tired that I completely forgot to bring my pump parts to work for my breast pump (still not sure what I’m going to do about that one…).
But you guys… I’m still a good mom. Even if I am angry at the world today and my fuse isn’t just short, but already burnt all the way to the end, I’m still doing a good job, because I’m doing my best.
It doesn’t matter that I dropped Lewis off at daycare and muttered to myself, “good riddance”. Because that’s just part of it sometimes. And this afternoon, I’ll be thrilled to pick him up because I will have missed him all day long.