Loss and Loneliness

My Grandad died yesterday. I don’t have a lot that I’d like to say publicly about it yet, but I feel the need to write down the words.

Grandad died. And I am sad.

My whole family is grieving together. I have a couple close friends who know and have offered their sweet, kind words. My coworkers know, since I found out while I was at work and, well, it was impossible to hide that I was sad. And, of course, Kyle knows.

So I have support. But sometimes sadness can feel very lonely. It can feel like you have no one – like really feel like you are completely alone – even when you can count the number of people who are, in fact, there for you. Even when that list is quite long. Sometimes it just feels easier to count the people who aren’t there for you, even if there are fewer of them.

That’s how I feel right now. My Grandad died, and now I’m counting the absences in my life. Perhaps I’m doing it because on some level I don’t want to feel anything but sad right now. I’m not sure.

I love you, Grandad. Missing you is a big, big feeling. But I’m so glad you were ready to go.