New this time around

When I was pregnant with Lewis, I had a normal dose of fears that something would go wrong. But nothing did. Everything was great. He’s healthy, and smart, and complex, and challenging, and everything you’d want in a kid (except the sleeping thing).

I feel so lucky.

You’d think the experience of everything going right would make me feel more confident this time around. But the opposite is true. Instead, I keep having terrible visions of dying babies, thinking to myself, “how could I possibly be that lucky twice?!

Of course, logic and reasoning tells me that people get that lucky twice (and thrice! and MORE!) all the time! Really and truly. All. the. damn. time. But the hormones and the fear keep nagging at me and planting nasty thoughts like “what makes you worthy of things going right twice?” and “things also go wrong for people. You are people. You are not immune.”

It’s ugly, folks. And even though testing and ultrasounds and doppler, and (eventually) baby kicks help ease my mama-mind and remind me that my baby is healthy and alive, all those things can be normal the whole way through, and something can still go wrong at the end. Or something you didn’t test for happens. Or something you did test for didn’t show up on the test like it should have.

I got some calming music recommendations from my brother-in-law last night that I am going to start listening to. He told me to use the music to put positivity into my brain. I don’t have any other ideas for how to quiet these horrible, awful, negative, hyperbolic thoughts. So I’m going to give the uplifting, calming, happy music a try. Hopefully that positive energy takes up enough space in my head that it leaves no room for these doomsday thoughts after a while.

Currently up for the second time tonight with the kid.

I don’t have anything new to say about this sleep situation. I’m just so tired.

UPDATE: I got him back to sleep within an hour, but he woke up again before I could fall back asleep. So I’ve been awake since 3:30. I feel like death.

Unnecessary crying 

Today I spent approximately 3 hours crying on the couch for no real reason. Unless, of course, you count pregnancy and exhaustion as reasons. In which case, the crying was justified!

Hoping tonight will be a good night for kiddo, but even if it isn’t, I’ve got two pregnancy wins in the books

  1. I wasn’t nauseous at all today
  2. I didn’t gag while brushing my teeth 

Yesterday was the closest I came to puking (in public, dripping sweat, seeing stars, ran to the bathroom, ultimately kept it together), and I fully gagged during teeth brushing yesterday too. But not today, my friends. Not today!!

My tiny little person just told me he was done with his dinner using his words for the first time.

Normally he just refuses to open his mouth or runs away from me. At best, he yells at me. Today he said, “no more eat”.

Doesn’t get clearer than that! I like this whole communication thing. Super helpful, and takes the guesswork out of things!

Crappy sleeper

Let’s face it, people. Lewis is a crappy sleeper. After over 21 months of this, it’s just a fact.

I hear that all kids eventually figure it out, but I am getting pretty desperate for “eventually” to arrive. Especially now that I am pregnant! In this condition, I end up plenty tired all on my own. I don’t need Lewis’s help on that.

Kiddo has good nights here and there, but there are few cases where those good nights string together into long stretches. It’s like the stars have to align for him to sleep through, and the unpredictability is very frustrating. 

Not to mention how incredibly long it takes him to fall back asleep once he awakens! Geez!

I can only hope the new baby is a better sleeper. I need a better sleeper this time around. 

Update: it has been 2.5 hours and the demon is still awake. I have decided that all I want for my birthday next month is a week in a hotel alone. I can come home during the day, but I want to sleep alone in a giant bed with no one around to wake me up or make any noise. Or maybe I can return Lewis to the baby factory for repairs, because his sleep settings are completely broken. Definitely not what I ordered. I wonder if the storks do pickup. 

First bump pic

First public bump pic. The belly showed up right away this time around. Been in maternity clothes since week 4 or 5. Having much more nausea this time than last time, and hoping that ends soon! Cravings vary from meal to meal, and eating what I crave is a matter of survival. #10weeks #10weekspregnant #2ndpregnancy #babynumber2 #pregnant

Hell day

Today I traveled to Seattle for work. My day started at 430, getting out of bed and ready to go. 

I ended up in an uber to the airport since it is too snowy here for me to drive. The driver almost spun us twice. 

Flight was delayed, but we got to Seattle. Our meetings went very well and we headed back to the airport around 2pm.

Our 4pm flight got cancelled due to ice in Portland. Next available flight wasn’t until 1030 pm. We camped out in the business lounge for 7 hours, with the exception of dinner time.

Finally get on the flight home, catch an uber because the max was stopped due to ice. 

Walk through the door at midnight only to hear my son screaming from his bedroom.

I go in to comfort him, exhausted but happy to see my kid for the first time all day. 

It is now 245 and I have been in here for almost 3 hours. I have been awake for over 22 hours. I can’t get the kid back to sleep. And I can’t stop crying.

And I have to get up and work in the morning. 

Update: I got 3 hours of sleep before Lewis woke up for the day screaming again. 

Endless snow 

The boys enjoying the snow day. Santa brought a sled for christmas this year, and thank goodness he did! Lewis loves it and never wants to come back inside. #pdxweather

Lewis highlights 

I realized this evening that I haven’t been recording milestones for Lewis very well, and there is so much fun stuff going on with him that I will regret not writing some of it down. So here are some highlights for the kid:

He has really started stringing words together. Right and left you hear mini sentences coming out of him. Today, for example, he said “I’m funny” for the first time. It has quickly gone from jibberish that he thinks is talking, to somewhat intelligible communication. There is still a lot of “yes” and “no” (thankfully more “yes” than “no”), but real communication is picking up. And he understands pretty much everything we say, so we have had to start spelling key words like “shower”, “bath”, “candy”, and “walk”.

It seems like kiddo’s 2 year molars are coming in. He has been munching on his fingers and not sleeping well, which are dead giveaways. As a matter of fact, he has only slept through the night 3 times in the last 8 days, and those were the nights I gave him tylenol or ibuprofen! But at least during the daytime he has been normal and sweet, unlike the last time molars were on their way.

Lewis learned the moves to itsy bitsy spider at school about a month ago, and now he loves to sing that song so much! He also really likes to do row row row your boat and act out rowing by pulling on your hands/arms.

His favorite book is called “hands hands fingers thumb”, and he is obsessed. My mom gave it to us a week ago and I think we have read it an average of 10 times a day every day since. I’m sure it could get annoying, but I’m just so happy he is finally interested in reading that I haven’t gotten annoyed yet.

Lewis has even started counting recently. Or at least chanting numbers in the semi-right order. Another product of going to school!

He is getting more adventurous in his eating, finally willing to chew more things. I’m sure this is a product of going to school as well! We still do a lot of pouches just to make sure he is getting loads of veggies and fruits, but they’ve become more of a supplement rather than the main course. 

We’ve got kiddo’s first dentist appointment coming up this week. I can’t promise to remember to write about it afterwards, but I’ll try. 

All in all, Lewis is in a pretty cool stage at 21 months. He can be trying and frustrating, but this seems to be a time of immense change and explosive learning, which is always amazing to witness, as a parent. He makes me so proud!

2nd time around

The time has come for a full brain-dump on the second pregnancy thus far. Oh joy!

I am 10 weeks along, due August 21, 2017. So far, in summary, I have been feeling pretty nauseous, and pretty tired (thanks to pregnancy AND crappy sleeper Lewis). I have also had some crazy digestion weirdness and quite a few pimples (pregnancy is not glamorous!).

Compared to last time, I’d say the nausea has been worse. Instead of “hunger-nausea” where eating (cabs) solved the problem, I just have plain old nausea this time. Usually nothing helps other than letting time pass. That doesn’t stop me from trying things like sucking on breath mints, drinking a lemon-lime soda, complaining, taking a bath, crying, laying down, or taking deep breaths. But those solutions are really pretty hit or miss. The only thing that has curbed it slightly are “sea bands”, which my mom turned me on to. Thank god for those things. They’re not cute, but I wear them 24/7 and they have cut the nausea down from an all-day problem to a once-a-day problem.

The nausea hits any time it damn well pleases. Sometimes just because it wants to, and sometimes because I smell something raunchy (I’m sorry, but how do pregnant ladies get through poopy diaper changes without dry heaving?!). In addition to Lewis’ poopy diapers, I find the smell of car exhaust quite problematic, which makes my commute super fun (I’ve gotten good at avoiding diesel trucks and old beater cars). Other problematic odors are the bathrooms at work, and weed (we live in Portland, you’d be surprised how often you run across this smell). I did not have this reaction to smells last time!

Something familiar, however, is the brushing teeth + gagging problem. Last time it lasted the entire pregnancy. I’m preparing myself for the same thing this time around. So much dry heaving!

The good news in all of this? I haven’t actually thrown up. I have been damn close. Like… run-to-a-toilet and check-for-nearby-garbage-cans close. But I haven’t thrown up. Which is fabulous.

Another familiar symptom is my weight gain. BOY OH BOY have I packed it on. I don’t even feel like I’m really eating all that much, but I guess I must be. The baby belly popped right out, and I am getting porky. I’ve been trying to take solace in the fact that I lost it all last time. But it still feels pretty gross to balloon so soon.

My “cravings” have been different this time around too. I’m not nearly as dependent upon carbs as last time, although frosting is still a clear favorite. For the most part, the cravings have been strong and acute, but I haven’t had many cravings that have lasted more than one meal. Exceptions? Carrots and ranch. And grape juice. Well, and frosting/cake too.

Anyway, I’m cruising towards the end of the first trimester and hoping that the life-dominating nausea fades sometime in the next few weeks so we can get to the part of pregnancy that I enjoyed last time. I’m ready for more hilarious “WTF moments” where I get to laugh at my body and my hormones and to enjoy hauling around my bump.

I do have a few goals for “round two” that I’d like to jot down to make them real:

  1. Grow a healthy baby! (so far so good – doc liked what she saw on the 8 week ultrasound!)
  2. Gain less weight than during my last pregnancy. Even just a pound less counts. But ideally, quite a few pounds less. (not looking good on this one so far. sigh)
  3. Transition Lewis’ bedtime routine and nighttime comfort to Kyle so I can focus on the new baby. (Division of labor, people!)
  4. Transition Lewis to a “big boy bed” before the baby comes, so we don’t have to buy a second crib.
  5. Cobble together more maternity leave than last time (this is easily going to be the hardest thing on this list, but I think it might work out.)
  6. Manage myself so I can be less frazzled during this monumental life transition than I was after the birth of Lewis – Current planned strategies include: occasional prenatal massages, being kind and patient to myself, asking for and accepting help, relying on experience, setting realistic performance expectations (both at home and at work).

I’m sure I won’t be updating as much during this pregnancy as I did with Lewis, since I am busy with, well, Lewis! But I hope to still get weekly bump pictures and share all of the major highlights with everyone. Stay tuned, and wish me luck!

He made it!

Husband made it back in one piece, and even brought home a fish! 

Rewind, and I did eventually fall back asleep. However, the kid woke up about 45 minutes after I drifted back off. So the day was rough, with a very tired mama.

Lewis thought it would be a good idea to wake up for 2+ hrs tonight as well. Just to test the limits of my exhaustion. I am sitting in the chair with an awake toddler feeling very frustrated and tired.

The sleep deprivation gets old. It never really gets easier. And it makes me angrier than I like to acknowledge. 

It is just so unnecessary to be awake for this damn long in the middle of the night. And there is nothing to scream about. Get with the program, you little terror. 


Kyle is going salmon fishing today. It is 4 am, and he just walked out the door. 

I am excited for him, and I think he’s going to have a ton of fun. But I can’t stop having doomsday thoughts.

I’m very tired, but there is no way I can go back to sleep with these thoughts floating around in my head. Imagining life without your husband isn’t exactly relaxing. 

Stupid brain. Just stop it. He’s going to be fine. Cold, maybe. But fine.