New this time around

When I was pregnant with Lewis, I had a normal dose of fears that something would go wrong. But nothing did. Everything was great. He’s healthy, and smart, and complex, and challenging, and everything you’d want in a kid (except the sleeping thing).

I feel so lucky.

You’d think the experience of everything going right would make me feel more confident this time around. But the opposite is true. Instead, I keep having terrible visions of dying babies, thinking to myself, “how could I possibly be that lucky twice?!

Of course, logic and reasoning tells me that people get that lucky twice (and thrice! and MORE!) all the time! Really and truly. All. the. damn. time. But the hormones and the fear keep nagging at me and planting nasty thoughts like “what makes you worthy of things going right twice?” and “things also go wrong for people. You are people. You are not immune.”

It’s ugly, folks. And even though testing and ultrasounds and doppler, and (eventually) baby kicks help ease my mama-mind and remind me that my baby is healthy and alive, all those things can be normal the whole way through, and something can still go wrong at the end. Or something you didn’t test for happens. Or something you did test for didn’t show up on the test like it should have.

I got some calming music recommendations from my brother-in-law last night that I am going to start listening to. He told me to use the music to put positivity into my brain. I don’t have any other ideas for how to quiet these horrible, awful, negative, hyperbolic thoughts. So I’m going to give the uplifting, calming, happy music a try. Hopefully that positive energy takes up enough space in my head that it leaves no room for these doomsday thoughts after a while.

Currently up for the second time tonight with the kid.

I don’t have anything new to say about this sleep situation. I’m just so tired.

UPDATE: I got him back to sleep within an hour, but he woke up again before I could fall back asleep. So I’ve been awake since 3:30. I feel like death.