Today is my 3rd mother’s day, but it feels different. Maybe it is the pregnancy hormones, but the weight and meaning of being a mom feels like it has really sunk in.
Can you believe it? I’m a mom! Someone (soon to be two someones) sees me the same way I see my own mom. I mean that much to another human being.
How could I possibly live up to that? She’s everything – my mind tells me it is impossible to be like my mother. So impossible that I don’t dare even aspire to it. She is so magnificent that it seems like something you must have to earn. But somehow, simply by having a child, I. Am. That.
Automatically to Lewis, and soon to this new Baby Girl, I am that important. Wow. I just have to bask in that. What a tremendous, beautiful, massive, special responsibility I have. Is it normal to feel this lucky to have this difficult a job? To feel so lucky to have such impossible shoes to fill?
It is nearly 5am. I have been awake for a half hour after Lewis woke up screaming, I assume from a bad dream. Kyle went in there to comfort the beast, and hasn’t come back despite quiet returning immediately upon entering kiddo’s room. I can only assume he crawled in bed with Lewis and they’re both sleeping soundly now.
I should do the same. I’m so tired, and it is quiet, the baby is kindly avoiding my bladder with her kicks, and I have the whole bed to myself. But I can’t seem to find my way back to sleep because of the image of my husband and my baby snuggling together dancing through my head.
This is another thing that has hit me this mother’s day – I never knew that so much of being a mother, for me, would be soaking in how much my child(ren) love their father, and he them.
The relationship Lewis has with his father allows my relationship with Lewis to be what it is. I am what I am to Lewis because of what Kyle is. It is such an all-consuming awe I feel as a mother to watch my husband as a father.
So I lie awake this morning instead of getting some more – much needed! – sleep, because I know that in the other room, the two men I love the most are sleeping peacefully together. Possibly with Lewis’s hand on Kyle’s face, almost assuredly with Lewis’s legs tucked into Kyle’s belly, both of them breathing into each other. And it just… brings tears of happiness to this mama’s eyes.