Today was mixed bag, good/bad day. Lots of highlights, but still a bunch of pesky hormones dragging me down.
I got to spend part of the morning at Lewis’s school for a special visit from the “Lizard Man”. Ellen came too because Kyle was squeezing in a round of golf, but she slept through the whole thing. That meant that I really got to participate with Lewis, and that filled my cup, albeit temporarily. Below is a picture of Lewis with one of the creatures.
I’ve noticed that evenings have felt particularly hard. I get through the days ok, but no matter what happens during the day, even if I’ve had a ton of fun or everything has gone smoothly, by dinnertime I feel like kind of a wreck! I don’t know if it is just because I’m tired and therefore can’t withstand the hormones anymore, or if it is facing the fact that I have gone through another day without accomplishing anything, or if it is something else. But something about the evenings makes all the little things feel heavy.
Whatever it is, I usually shed a few tears. Often because I miss Lewis. Often because my house is a mess. Often because I have a fridge full of food but no appetite, and I feel stressed about wasting the food if I don’t get through it. Often because I have a to do list full of simple tasks I just don’t feel like I can manage.
One of the strangest sensations is that I feel like I should be doing more with Ellen than just sitting around, and I feel guilty when that’s all I do. If I hold her, I feel like that’s not enough. If I put her down, it’s worse. If I put her down and go do something productive, it’s even worse. It’s a really silly thing to get so crazy about, but I can’t turn off the feeling of needing to be constantly attached to her. And even that doesn’t feel like I’m fulfilling my duties as a mother.
I remember feeling something similar with Lewis, and I also know that feeling faded eventually. I just wish I remembered how long it took, or that I could find myself a shortcut to get there sooner. Because this is frustrating and silly and I know it is ridiculous. So I just want to move past it.
Anyway, enough of my neuroses and emotions. Back to the goodness of the day – Ellen’s belly button stump fell off overnight. Or should I say it was ripped off? It got stuck on her jammies and came off during a diaper change. Either way, good riddance. It smelled so bad it made me and Kyle gag, so we won’t miss it! I do think it was a little premature because the hole it left behind filled with some green gunk and bled throughout the day a teensy bit, but oh well. Seriously. The smell was foul.
A friend and fellow new mom-of-two came by with a meal for us this afternoon. It was fun to swap birth stories and one-to-two transition stories. I love having a handful of friends going through the same thing at the same time. It really helps to have that support and to know that you’re not alone or crazy.
I rounded out the day with getting to read Lewis a few stories. Normally that’s part of the routine with Kyle, but I got to cut in tonight, which really felt special. Anytime I can steal a moment with Lewis is so precious.
I just love my kids so much. That’s what it boils down to. My anxiety about doing “enough” for Ellen and my missing Lewis are symptoms of a very deep love. I knew I’d have enough room in my heart for both of them, but I didn’t know that that space in my heart would be so vast that I wouldn’t be able to cram enough of them in it.