Mourning

It seems a “decision” has been made. I don’t want to say “we have made a decision”, because I don’t really feel like it was done together, per se. But a decision was definitely made.

No more babies. No more pregnancies.

Can we go back on this decision? Sure. No permanent measures have been taken. But Kyle is pretty firm. AKA extremely firm. AKA will not be moved.

I am somewhat confident about the no more babies part. But I don’t really feel 100% finished with the childbearing phase of my life. I spent so much of my life looking forward to it, seeing it out in my future, that I don’t really know how to turn off the anticipation. To imagine that there isn’t any more of this in my life is strange (read: painful), because the sense of anticipation remains.

So where does no babies but yes pregnancy leave me (me, not us… just me and my feelings)? Surrogacy. I want to be a surrogate for a family who can’t carry their own baby. I want to help someone fill up their lives with baby poop, laughter, sleepless nights, milestones, and endless love. I want to have one final pregnancy to close this chapter of my life with. I don’t need another baby, but I need closure.

Kyle said no.

He didn’t just say no to surrogacy, he said no to even getting more information before deciding. That’s how unwavering he is in his desire to be finished. And because we both have to say “yes” in order to move it forward, the answer is just no. There is no compromise. My feelings count for naught. It’s just a no.

Ouch.

What an odd dynamic, that Kyle’s “no” dictates what happens in my body. What a painful realization that I have to find a way to put childbearing behind me just like that, when I just don’t feel done. Someone else decides for me.

I wish I could be angry at Kyle. That would at least be a direction to point my devastating disappointment. But I certainly can’t fault him for the way he feels. He can’t help that he feels done, just like I can’t help that I don’t. It’s just that, with something like pregnancy – whether you keep the baby or not – if there is a single “no” in the mix, the “no” has to win.

So I’m not angry. But I’m so, so sad. People always say you’ll know when you’re “done”. But what happens if you don’t ever get to get to that point? How do you work through that? I guess time will show me the answer to that question. For now, I mourn. And I try not to wish for Kyle to change his mind, because then I’ll never move on.

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