Well hello there! I haven’t written in ages! So much has been happening, and I’ve thought about posting a million times, but I haven’t made it happen!

But it’s been good, people. That’s the overarching theme of my “time away” from this blog.

The biggest thing I can report is that I think I’ve entered a new chapter. In this chapter, I am less anxious and overwhelmed, and finally able to put myself back on my to-do list.

It all clicked in the last month. After 13 months of having things under control (mostly) but never trusting that it would stay under control… after over a year of teetering on the edge of panic, wondering what was going to happen next to send life into an unmanageable tailspin, I finally feel steadier.

It’s a feeling of “I’ve got this”, instead of “I’ve got this right now“.

See the difference?

It’s subtle, but it is a complete paradigm shift for me as a mother/human. I now believe that the handle I have on things is not fleeting, but lasting. And because of this, I’ve been able to enjoy my life more, and make some big changes.

For example, I’ve started a workout program. I’m 2 weeks in and committed and seeing results. After trying several times to exercise and lose weight since Ellen was born, quitting or falling short each time, I think I’ve finally got the mindset I needed. I feel ready.

I also started a face and hair routine which is making me feel amazing. It is all very woo-woo/natural, and it makes me sound like a crazy person when I tell people about it. But it is really making me look and feel better!

In addition to the physical stuff, I’ve been able to be more social in the last 1.5 months. Kyle and I went away for a whole day (not overnight) for our anniversary, I’ve been out with friends a couple times, and I even went out of town with my book club for an entire weekend (got back yesterday), and it went great. I stressed less this weekend being gone for 2 whole days than I have on some evenings where I was only gone a few hours.

There were a couple hours while I was away this weekend when it wasn’t awesome (Ellen screaming “mama” on repeat), and I lost my marbles with worry. But Kyle got things back under control! And in the end, he said 80% of the time everything was easy and pleasant, which I’d say is no different than when both of us are there!

Summary: Ellen is growing out of her separation anxiety! She’s still only 13 months old, so she is going to lose her sh*t at some point every single day, and when she and I are apart, that might be a little more dramatic than normal, but it is normal. And before, her extreme separation anxiety wasn’t normal at all!

Even though it is now normal, it still rips my heart in half when she is so distressed by being away from me. But we are at a place where I can leave and it is mostly pleasant for me because I know that most of the time I’m away, she’s just fine!

As for generic family news, Ellen has been going through a million changes, sprouting teeth (she has 8 now!), climbing everything, walking all over the place, learning all kinds of words (and sentences!), sleeping (mostly) consistently, starting to follow simple commands/instructions, and charming the pants off of anyone she meets.

Lewis has fewer changes to report, but his behavior has been excellent! He’s been sleeping great, having fewer tantrums, trying new foods, learning new skills, and also charming the pants off of anyone he meets. I can’t believe how polite, helpful, and kind he has been. Such a contrast to earlier this year when everything was so off due to lack of sleep. Hallelujah, melatonin!

Kyle and I are working our tails off, planning for the future, continuing work on our financial health, contemplating next moves, planning our first trip abroad together, and more. When some of that stuff turns into actual headlines, I’ll write again.

Hopefully the whole family can keep the good momentum up! But particularly me… I feel like I’m the engine keeping the whole family going. So I gotta keep it up!