Tried sleep training this evening. Did not go well.

At bedtime, I literally pulled her off the breast and immediately dropped her in her crib. She was already asleep.

She then woke up 45 minutes later, crying.

So I gave it 5 minutes before walking in to comfort her without picking her up. Off to a great start!

That’s where the success ended. After 45 minutes of letting her scream, and occasionally patting her and attempting to comfort her, I quit.

Ellen was wide awake, angry, and snotty (AKA unable to breathe). I was bawling.

I feel like a total failure. It seems like my choices in this situation are either pile of shit or heap of shit – either I torture my baby and myself, or I never sleep again. In either scenario, I’m in hell. In scenario #2, at least Ellen is happy.

Rocking my baby and holding her feels natural to me. I just can’t believe that there is no way to have a better sleeper who also gets snuggled by her mommy at bedtime. That makes no sense. Why would I have this instinct if it is wrong? Aren’t we given these instincts for a reason?

Sweet baby Jesus, I want to sleep. But not like that. That’s not right for me. I need to find something different.